FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 196, 2 November 1871, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

Malapropiana. After reading Count Bismarck's description of Paris,as " amadhouse full of monkeys," Mrs. Malaprop observed that she thought it only natural that the Parisians should resort to a gorilla warfare. A Paradox.— When ashoemaker isgoing to make a boot, the first thing he uses is the last. A Skye Terrier.— The dog star. Questionable Hospitality. — Entertaining an idea. Clap a blister on a poet and it will make him soar. When a patient begins to feed more 3 the •doctor js feed less. What verb is that — in the language of flowers — which few can decline?— The Verbena. Many a man grumbles because it costs as much per day for ice for his whole family .as he pays for a single drink for himself. Things no.t Generally Known : Poor people. A Capital Fellow : The possessor of £100,000. Sometailorswonldmakecapital dragoons they charge so. Why is battermilk like something which never happened? — Because it hasn't a curd (occurred.) Agood gauge by which to measure a man's character is his Jan-gua^e. A clergyman sprained his ankle and became a lame \m. We know a tradesman who is such a coward that he is afraid tostrike a balancesheet. " Mamma," said a little boy who had been sent to dry a towel before a tire, " is it. done when it's brown J"

A Fool of the Deepest Dye : An old man with magnificent white hair and beard who dyes theiin a mnddy black.

A New Engiand minister lately astonished his congregation by telling them

that " some theologians write books that would kuock Moses into pie."

" Mr. Jones, what makes the canary sleep on one leg?" " I don't think anybody makes him, my dear : I think he does it of his own accord." Tljis motto ought to be placed'Oll the bill of fave of some restaurants : ".No customer can go farther and fare worse.' 1 ' The fueling of the present^ time is against the multiplication of special prayers, and a very whclesnme one it is ; but we have always felt that had railways existed and been worked as they are at present in 1661 when the Prayer-book was revised there would have been a special service composed (to follow, perhaps, that " to be used at sea ") in behalf of railway passengers that they mioht be preserved from sudden danger and bloody death. — "Pall Mall Gazette." To Mill-owners. — flo-w to increase your hands without extra expense. — Double your fists. A Grate Coat. — Black lead. Foot-pads. — Bunion plaste.rs. Why is a bridegroom like a morning . caller? — Because he rings the bell (c), gives his name to the maid, and after that gets taken in. Shake3pere says that " use strengthens habit " — clearly a mistake, for old Tidy says that he tried the experiment on a coat and it did not answer at all. Horn can be softened by being placed in hot sand ; or, what is better, hot mashed potatoes ; also by boiling and steaming. "Wlien shaped to tHe T-etjiiived furai pIUU26 in culd water. " These apples are not fit for a hog to ■eat,"* said a. kid-gloved dandy to an apple ' -woman; You just try one and see," she retorted.

Boarder : " This tea seems very weak; ' Mrs. Skemp. " Landlady — " Wei 1 1 guess it must bo the warm weather. I feel weak myself ; iv fact everybody complains. Old John Berry, who us-> V-n live up Lake Ohamplain, liked to te >ig story. One evening, sitting in the village store, he said he once drove a horse seventy-two miles in one day on the ice, when the ice was so thin that the water spirted up .thrpugh the holes cut through it by the horse's hoofs. One of the bystanders remarked that seventy-ivro mites w\ a day was a pretty good drive for one day. -" Yea," said Uucle John, " bufc ifc-wa3 a long day in June.' . '

" Who dare spit .tobacco juice on the* . floor of this car ? " savagely exclaimed a • large and powerfully built passenger, as he arose from his seat and stalked down the aisle, frowning defiantly upon the other passengers. " I <3are .' "saida buxly-look- " ing fello.w, as he deliberately squirted a quantity of the obnoxious aasva wpon the .. floor of the aisle. "All righ^'Uaid.the first speaker, slapping the .other "in a friendly manner' upcm the shoulder, ■*£iye us a ebew of tobaow, "