F A C E T I Æ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 194, 26 October 1871, Page 7

F A C E T I Æ.

It is at the approach of dinner-time that we feel n,ost sensibly " the emptiness of things below." " Well, there's something in that >" as the man said when he tried 'to put his boot on with a kitten in it.

A native of the Emerald Isle called at a public-house in the East End of London recently, and asked for a glass of whisky. The liquor was of course promptly supplied, and was as quickly swallowed by •the customer, who laid down twopence on the counter and turned to leave. " Come back, sir," said the barman; "I want a penny." "In troth," replied Pat, as he went out of the door,' "it's myself that wants the penny.

An amusing incident took place lately •at a trial. The barrister had just risen to state the case for the plaintiff, and had got no further than " May it please you, sir, and gentlemen," when he was rudely interrupted by a small juror, whose head was just visible above the box, with "Cut it short." To him straightway the barristsr turned, " Sir, I will cut it short. I "will cut it short, almost as short as you are." He was not interfered with any more by the juror.

The common fluency of speech in many men and moat women is owing to a scarcity of matter and scarcity of words, for whoever is master of language aud has a mind full of ideas will be apt in speaking to hesitate upon the choice of both, ; whereas common speakers have only one set of ideas and one set of words to clothe them in ; and they are always ra;idy at the mouth ; so people come faster out of a church when it is almost empty than when there is a crowd at the door.

Old Judge B was what Arbemus Ward would have called a " sociable cuss" off his bench, and was noted for claiming acquaintance with any one whose appearance happened to please him. One day, entering a crowded railway carriage, his Honour found the only unoccupied seat to be by the side of a smartly dressed .and rather good-lookmg young woman. Ascertaining that the seat was not engaged, the judge settled himself comfortably in it, and turning with his accustomed bland, fatherly smile, said, " Your face .seems familiar to me, my dear ; I t'link 1 must know you." " 1 should think you might," said the unknown, in a hoarse, wliiskey, contralto voice, " turning a vindictive pair of eyes upon the astonished judge. " I should think you might — you sent me to the House of Correction for three months, last winter, you infernal old scoundrel." The judge did not pres3 his claim for acquantance any further in that quarter.

A good story is told about an old j hunter who used to trap about Moose- J head Lake, by the name of Ellis. His j reputation as a great bear hunter ex.tsnded.far and wide. Several years ago, when bear skins were very fashionable for sleigh robes, sportsmen about- the lake in the fall would engage one of Ellis, and as the old man was poor would pay for it in advance. He had bargained for one in this, way for one year, and when .the first snow came, started off with his gun, and soon came upon Bruin's track, lie ran all day without overtaking him, but camped upon his track that night, and early next morning took up the scent, and followed him all that day with no better success than on the previous day. The third clay he found his aged limbs quite stiff and sore ; however, he made another start and ran till well nigh exhausted, when he came in ■sight of Bruin, who had stopped for a few* moments' refreshment, but seeing his pursuer started off again "at full speed. The old man took aino. and tired* but Bruin didn't stop. Feeling too far gone to run another step, he shouts with all energy of dispair, "You may run, and run, and be d — d, but there aint a hair on ye that belongs to ye, for I've sold yoiir hide and got my pay for it." There used to be a pious old negro in Boston, named Csesar, and was in the habit of praying so loudly as to be heard by many of the neighbours. On retiring for the night his petition invariably was — " Lord, send dy angel for ole Caesar — ole Csesar -was always ready." One .evening, two of his neighbours, good men, but sometimes bored by his " style," thought they would try him on. They took pjsition at hia door, and when the usual petition was made that *' the Lord would send the angel." ole Cs93ar was always Teady, they loudly knocked at the door. "Who dar?" said the darkey. .''The angel of the Lord come for old Csesar," was the reply. Out; went the light, a scramqling into bed was heard, and then, in '&> .trembling voice that same old uncle jsaid, "Go awviy, dar! go way! Ole v l>in dead dis ten years j"