F A C E T I Æ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 192, 12 October 1871, Page 7

F A C E T I Æ.

Acoantrymanstopped at a telegraph window, where a young lady was receiving dispatches, and, after looking on for a •moment, called to his companion : " Saj r •Bill, jnsfc you come and see 'em make paper collara ! Don't she know her biz, oh, Hill?" " 1 meant to have told you of that hole," said a gentleman to his friend, who was walking with him in his garden, and stumbled into a pit full of water. "No matter," said his friend, blowing the mud and water out of his mouth, " I've found it." Borne people are bound to " keep up appearances." There's Mr. Jones, for example, who is in the habit of buying a soup bone at tho market, and sticking an old pair of turkey's legs through, the top of his basket to make a show on his way along the street. A western paper says that Speaker John T. Bunch, of the Kentucky House, sheds a bottle of ink every time he writes his name. The dot he puts at the end of his autograph is exactly the length of a Congressional penknife with the blade open at both ends. A little girl about three years old, after beiiuj corrected the other day for .something she had done, said, " Ma. I wish whipping cost something." " Why ?" leplied the mother. ' 'Because," said the little pert, " you never give me anything that costs something "

" Pl«aae, Mr. Smith, papa wants to ' know if you won't lend him" the model uf'j-xisjr hat ?" " Certainly, my son ; what for?" "He wants to make a scarecrow to keep the corn out of our turkey-buz-zards." . Exit precocious youth, followed by Smith and a new axe-helve. A candidate for the position of school teacher in Alabama recently replied to a question by one of the examiners, "Do you think the world is round or flat V by saying, " Well, some people think one way and some another ; and I'll teach round or flat, just as the parents please." A young man wrote to a Western stagemanager the other day that he wanted to try acting. He thought he would prefer to begin as a grave- Jigger in " Hanilet." He didn't want to be " one of them

talking grave-diggers," but he thought he could come on " and sort of boss the job." Just now tlie.y are having a joka out West — which is a neat way of locating a story with, exactness — on a compositor who sets up the toast, " Woman, without hur, man would be a savage," and got the stops in the wrong place, and produced, " Woman, without her mau, would be a savage." "Cuffeo, what do you tink the most useful of de planets, de sun or de moon I" " Well. Sambo, I tink de moon orter take de fust rank in dat ar tickler." " Why you tink so, Cnffee ?" " Well, I tell ; ka.se de moon shines by nignt when we want light, and de sun shines by day, , when we don't. " "William, thee kuows I never call anybody names, but, William, if the mayor of the city were to come to me and say, / John, I want thee to find me the biggest liav in all Philadelphia,' I would come to tbee, ■ and put my hand on thy shoulder, an-i say to the, l William, the mayor wants to see thee." When your regular market fails you, here is a good, safe, condensed one, adapted to all newspapers in the country :—" I'pns, ink, and stationary ; new milk is unchanged ;t; t broguns are heavy ; wheat ia a grain hotter than oats ; wines and liquors generally have a downward tendency ; yeast cakes are rising." " This is quite a stormy day, my boy ?" " Yes, sir, this is quite a wet rain."

The Clergyman, thinking to rebuke such

hyperbole, asked if he knew any other • than wet rain. "1 never knew personally of any other," said the boy, " but J have read in a certain book of a time when it rained tire and brimstone, and I guess that was not a wet rain." Mr. Spriugins is a little forgetful gometimes. He counted his children, the other night, hut conld only raako fourteen. 14 How is this?" ho asked his wife ; *.' 1 thought, there were fifteen of -fhem.'i "So there were," answered lus^'wife, il but littlo Sammy was drowned since then." Indeed !" said Spriggins," meditatively, " why, it seems to me I heard of

that at the time." , ■^ The ' following is a specimen brick from s? very exhaustive article on the " Finite aud the Infinite," in a Chicagor qiiar- . terly: — " What is present is, therefore, Otherness in general, or a universal Beinjj-for-Other, which, because it is a single Keing-for-Other, is more properly lieiny-ior-One, That is, t&e singleness of the determination suMafces the Oiher- " aess." We give it up.