FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 190, 28 September 1871, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

When does a besieged city most resemble a pea I—When1 — When it is being shelled. Which is the» better off, tea or enffee 1 -j-Coffee ; it settles itself, but tea has to draw.

" The five Great Powers." — Love, mercy, ambition, revenge, and a good dinner.

When is a young man's arm like the Gospel ? — When he maketh glad the waist. places. The year 1871 will be the 2183 rd year <jf -the Grecian era, and the last year of jhe Grecian bend. He that will not reason is a bigot ; he *hat cannot reason is a fool ; and he that dares not reason is a slave. " Jack, your wife is not so pensive as «he used to be." " No, she has left off and turned expensive.""

It i 3 said that certain aristocratic temperance men have refused to have anything to d.> with water, because it is so of ter drunk.

A consumptive remarked to one of our city physicians yesterday, "Doctor, if you dun't stop my cough I shall soon want a coflin." An Illinois postmaster gives notice as follows: — "After this date everybody must lick their own postage stamps, !pv my tongue's given out." " Let me up," said the- under man in a fight the other day. "I won't do it," said the other. "It was too much trouble to get you down." . A " Western woman " says in a. letter that her sex will never rest contented

until their sins are treated as leniently as are those committed by men. - A bachelor editor, who^ had a pretty sister, recently wrote to another bachelor ■equcdiy fortunate, " Please exchange." It took four to close that bargain. Thackeray speaks of a place in Ireland •where the sense of elegance was so keen that the servants brought up the coals for the grate on a clean plate. Affection, like spring flowers, breaks

tljron^h the most frozen ground at last ; an<3 ( riie heart which sseks but for wno"ther heart to make it happy will never seek'dn vain. A woman in Lowell' recently married a young Nova Scotian, gave him her money — 600 dollars— to purchase a farm, and has be°n destitute of money and husband ever since. A British drummer was taken before Turenne aa a spy, and as a test of verac:ty w«js reqni.ed to beat a tetreat.. He replied, " Jlelreat ! Theve is no such beat in the British service." A gentleman who recently travelled over a certain railway says it is the safest line in the country, as the superintendent keeps a boy's running ahead of the trains to drive off calves and sheep. Creditor; "How often must I climb three -pair of stairs before I got the amount of this little account ?" Debtor : " Do you think I am going to rent a place on the first floor to accommodate, my creditors ?" The " Philadelphia Ledger," from various trustworthy sources, reports that General Beauregard is simultaneously in France, sailing across the ocean, in New York, in New Orleans, in Washington, and in debt: Sergeant Cockle, a very rough, bluster-ing-fellow, once got from a witness more than he gave. In a trial on the right of fishery he asked the witness :: — v Do you ' love fish ?'• "Ay," replied the witness, '• with a grin, "but I dinna like Cockle sauce with It."' . .' j A case of female daring is related of an Arkansas belle, who rode on tho edge of a precipice and defied any man in the party with whom she was riding to follow her. Not a man accepted the challenge, but a tantalising youth- stood on his head in the saddle and dared the lady to do that. ' ' A wife who had been lecturing her husband for coming home intoxicated , "became incensed at his and exclaimed, " Oh, thafc.l cquld wring tears of anguish from your eyes."- To -which the hardened wretch hiccupped, " J Tai — 'tai — 'taint no use, ole woman, to *bo — bo — fcoie for water here I"

Justice-Clerk Braxfield tried a Aan for

stealing some shirts ; but as it appeared that theM^cles were female apparel, * alias shsSiP&e case was found "-not

proven. ", On which his lordship said to the Advocate-Depute, "What. for, man, did ya no ca' them" Barks -in the indictment, for -that would have done for baith kinds." The latest dodge to rob travellers is to offer a gentleman a drugged cigar in the

smoking-car on the railroads, and when ■he hadrgone 'to sleep, after smoking it a littler while, the polite stranger 'who "presented the fragrant " weed" goes through ' . ilje traveller's pockets.