RANDOM THOUGHTS.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 189, 21 September 1871, Page 3

RANDOM THOUGHTS.

During one of my rambles lately I paid a visit to that temporary asylum for fourfooted wanderers designated ihe Pound. Amongst the inmates was the almost inanimate framework of a horse, whose singularly transparent appearance jmme.diately attracted my attention. His head, jvhjch was by far the largest part of his

body, was bowed down almost to his • knees, either with weight of woe, or for lack of sufficient strength to hold it up, or both ; while his tail, which in days gone by was wont to wave so gracefully and majestically as it scared away the bluebottles which buzzed around him, was now motionless, and hung down behind like the caudal appendage of poor dog Tray. He seemed weary and worn with vigil and fasting — so worn, indeed, that the sun could be seen shining through his ribs. In short, this melancholy quadruped was the personification of dyspeptic piety. "Verily," I exclaimed mentally as I gazed upon him, " thou mountain of misery, thou hast wandered and strayed away from the right track, and fallen into the hands of uncharitable men, who have placed thee in durance vile, and behold pitiful is thy plight. Perchance on the morrow thou wilt be brought to the hammer and knocked down for a shilling a leg ; or perhaps a small particle of lead will bring thine eventful career to a close. Pity it is thine owner had not been apprised of thy whereabouts ; pity it is thou shouldst have been immured within those manuka walls ; pity it is thine incarceration had not been made manifest through the advertising columns of the T\7a.?eka Times : "

There is no doubt that to learn anything concerning ourselves we must go from home. Witness the following from the Thames " Evening Star " :—

Wild dogs roam in thousands over the Blue Mountain range, from Braumont to Waiupaui, Otago Province. Settlers shoot them and leave tneir carcasas to rot. I can pardon the writer of the above for the contempt he shows for all rules of orthography, on account of the valuable information he imparts. I was really unaware of the existence of wild dogs in the neighbourhood indicated, although 1 knew that excellent sport was to be obtained there amongst the wild pigs . However, seeing that these Blue Mountain wolves exist in such numbers, I intend, at an early date, to saddle old Moses and go in for a hunt ; and 1 have no doubt that, in addition to the pleasure and excitement of the chase, I shall be able to drive a good trade with the' butchers ; but I'll take precious good care I don't eat any of their sausages I '

The contra or " take-it-out " system is one which has long obtained in this particular centre of population, and one upon which a large amount of business is transacted. And a very convenient method of dealing it frequently proves to be, although, as is the fate of many other well defined schemes of public utility, it has many enemies. Speaking for myself, when I open mv wholesale and retail quintessential snowballinium establishment I shall go in strongly for the take-it-out system, and I expect to realise a large fortune in a few months. (N.B — A great saving will be effected by taking the larger sized bottles.) Owing to its extreme simplicity, a man with the smallest modicum of brains could learn and become an expert at takeitoutism in .a very short time. The following will convey a general idea oi the modus operandi: — Mr. Bumps, a tradesman, calls on Mr. Stumps, another tradesman, and they fall into friendly conversation . Suddenly Mr. Bumps recollects that he has a small account—not more than £50— for Mr. Stumps, and will take it as a special favour if Mr. Stumps will contrive to stump up, as there 13 a heavy bill to meet on Monday, &c, &c. Mr. Stumps is extremely sorry if through his inability to pay the account he is putting Mr. Bumps to the slightest inconvenience ; butj owing to the falling off of trade, and other causes, he is really not in a position to do so, and sees no prospect of doing so. for some time to come. In fact, the only plan he can suggest for meeting Mr. Bumps' account is by his taking it out in coffins ! Coffins, indeed ! What is Mr. Bumps -to do with coffins? Mr. Stumps doesn't know ; but can suggest no other method of payment.. Mr. Bumps fumes, frowns, frets, fulminates, and finally agrees to take the coffins, consoling himself by breathing an anathema upon the rotten state of business generally, and the take-it-out system in particular.

Ye who are about to marry, postpone the ceremony indefinitely ; ye who are about to take bills at three months, pause ; ye, in fact, who are about to do. anything, don't do it, for in a few brief weeks we shall all be up a tree. In looking over a Victorian paper lately I came across the cheerful announcement that a gentleman in Sandhurst has calculated that a comet, one of the points of whose orbit intersects ihe plane df the ecliptic at a. distance il'orni I'orn the earth's orbit less than the sum of the semi-diameters of the earth and the comet, will be at or near perihelion in November of the present year of grace. In consequence of some remarkable changes which have taken place in the comet — whose diameter is set down at 21,000 miles — it is perhaps more than probable that it may arrive at the point of intersection just as the earth is in that part of her orbit nearest to it.- . The result would be, supposing the comet to "be gaseous, that the earth would be enveloped to an extent of 6,400 miles, or to more than three-fourths of her diameter ; that, indeed, the enormous mass would attach itself to our planet, so altering the physical constitution of the atmosphere as to cause instant death to all animal and vegetable life as at present existing. Fellow citizens, to avoid such ,a calamity, let us charter a balloon and emigrate to the moon, and found a nation there. I think- the change of air and scenery^ would do us good, and that after we became thoroughly acclimatised we should get on very well— that is, supposing we strictly excluded Chinamen and M.P.GVs.

PITZSMYTHE.