FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 184, 17 August 1871, Page 7

FACETIAE.

A obituary lately appeared in one o our exchanges, of which the following il-thei Ithe concluding sentence : — "The deceased had a vigorous frame, sold goods on the one price system, and died lamented by many who did and many more who did nofc know him."

It is rhe queerest thing in the world what Charlotte Smith, of Rock port, Mass. , can want of her runaway husband, whom she describes in an advertisement as " a little man, badly crippled in one leg, one leg shorter than tue o.hdr, f«use teeth, and bald head."

" Pray bestow your charity, young gentleman, on a poor blind man," s del a beggar to a person passing by. "If yoii are blind, my good fellow, how do you know that I was young?" "Oh! sir, I made a mistake," said the beggar, " pray give a trifle to a poor dumb man !"

Miss Deborah Bates was married to a Mr. Joy. A local editor gave the following first-rate notice :—: — No more.D. Bates ; dissolved iv Joy, A biiile has found a home, With pleasures now without alloy. And other Joys to come.

A sick man, slightly convalescing, was asked by a pious friend who his physician was. He replied, "Dr. Jones brought me through." '• No, no," said his friend, "•(rod brought you out of your illness, nofc the doctor." " Well, may be. He did, but you can bet the doctor will oharge for it." " My dear friend," said a gentleman to a bankrupt the other day, " I'm sorry to he^r of your misfortune. Y<mr family has my warmest sympathies for the families of my creditors."

A quaiac old gentleman, of an activs, stirring disposition, had a man at work in his garden who was quite the reverse. V Jones," said he, "did you ever see a Snail V* ' "Certainly," said Jones. "Then," said the old boj', "you must havaraet him, for you never could have overtaken him."

* Gmdsake, man," said a douce home■wife to an honest dairyman His other driy, " what sort «i' milk's ithi9 ye're d>>in' us ■wi* noo ? The last I got was about a third water." "Then ye're a' wrang, guidwife," answered Will, (w if,'s some ither body's milk ye've been getting— mine's half-and-half."

A physician examining a student as to his progress, asked him, " Should a man fall into a well forty f^et deep, and strike hi 3 head against one of the tools with which he tad been digging, what would bo your course if called oi as a s'irgeon V The student replied, "I should °ad vise them to let him lie, and fill up the well." A -Washington schoolboy compiling thusly :— " When a Hoy goe3 to School in the morning an Forgets to Sharpin his Pencil Why then of Corse 'lie hast to do it in School An if des his Teacher takes his knife away from him. Then he goes home An tells his Father and he Makes a fuss, But he never gets his Knife." Teacher : " Boy, if you d<> nofc come earlier to school, I shall insist on' your mother bringing you.'.' Boy : " Ah, but she can't ; she's confined." Teacher : i! WeU, thin, your father must do it." Boy : " lie's confined, too." Teacher : " What has your mother got V- Boy : " A girl" Readier : " A.ud yuur father?" Boy: "Six months."

With tears in uer eyes, a little girl of five summers askud : •' Will dear little brother Jelitiny die to-night, mother?" And when she was assured that the doctor though? not, she .continued, while sobs choked her utterances : "' Poor Johnny ! I wish he would, 'cause then I could have Aus lrttle whito-liandled knife and fork/