FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 183, 10 August 1871, Page 7

FACETIAE.

Who is the greatest wag in the world ? Death — he takes everybody off. Beauty is a-morning dream which the i>reakfast bell puts an end to. "What nation is at present to most warlike ? Vaccination — it is all up in arms. What order of merit would the Queen remind you of if she -were -in a bad temper] Victoria -cross. There is no medicine like a good joke — it -is a silver-coated pill that frolics and physics on the run. *' None but the brave deserve the fare," as the rough said when he struck the conductor and declined payment. Down east they call finger-posts "' ministers," because they point the way to other people, but don't go themselves. Why is a woman's tongue like a planet? Because nothing short of the power that created it is al>le to stop it in i r « course. ' A railway passenger, recently detected riding in a second-class carriage with a third-class, ticket, offered to fight the station-master for the difference. " Lenny, you're.a pig ;" said a father to his little five year old noy. " Now. «lo you know what a pig is, Lenny ?" *" Yes, air ; a hog's little boy." " What have you to remark, nvvda,me, about my singing ?' said a (gentleman 'to* a lady. " Nothing, sir," replied the Jady, " it is ttot; remarkable:" An editor in a town down East, where the thermometer is ten degrees below r«ro, wants -the man who predicted a mild winter to send him two tons of coal. Poverty and riches are mere imaginative distincshuns. The man who can ea' Iris bread and be happy iz certainly richer than he who kant eat unless it is spread -with, gutter. " A minister asked a tipsy fellow leaniug up against a fence where he expected to •go when he died. "If I can't get along any better than Ido now," he said, " I .shan't go at , aIL " " A man who'd maliciously set fire to a l>arn," said good old Elder Poyson, " and bun) up a stable full of horses and cows, ought 'to beikicked to death by a jackass, and I'd like to be the one to do it." The old maid who fainted away on tearing there was a " Bath chap " in the house, has since gone raving mad upon being asked by a gentleman at supper " whether she would put her lips to a gobbler." A Tennessee paper has the following advertisement :— " Lost or stade from the scribor a shepe all over wite — one side black and half his body- - all persons «hall receive five dollars to bring him. He was a she gote." Paddy V description of a fiddle cannot be beat : "It was the shape of a turkey, the size of a goose ; he turned it over on its back and rubbed its belly with a *tick : and o-ih J St. Patrick ! how it did .«quale!" ■ A. "'welsher,'" who had been Lynched for his cheating, accounted to his brethren for hk appearance by observing that jhe bad not been able to change his clothes «ince bis return from a celebrated water-ing-place/ ; . A female typo, dressed in male attire, ■and in the habit of smoking and .having iher upper lip shaved to . aid in disguising her sex, has been working on one of the dkioago dailies. The secret has just leaked out, bowever. A New Hampshire county auditor had the 'following bill presented him for allowance in a late law .suit j— " To ,, doing, your worV r «ueh as dcawin water, cjiioopin *uod and; feedin cattle 4fte< .weeks' while you lay -drunk, 31 dols/' An eloping wife lately addressed the following note to her husband '.—". — " i leave yo* tioine and torn* picture. You had better fereak up the house *nd live at Ihome.. Slow torn better than i do you, :&nd th*t is why i hare gone. 4 ' Tbe <oj9Scers of one <of our regiments bave %eem {playing a very odd game ; ifchey ha^e gtrefi ill their .attention to tricks, aoil have newer once thought c£ $ieir hoaaMK, while two of them, having shuffled, are sow obliged tfo.cui. A Kewflanjpßhire^man, -who was .out «hootrog lately, missed a fair shot, which so enmged hum that he hit hi& dog over the bead with the but of hjs gun, thereby discharging the second barred. Neither tie or ub dog will ihunt any more. ; A western (legislator is reported to have ' •got off the following :— w I know wiman, Mr. Speaker ; IMy it in bo disrespect; %. fa»ow üm ; I have * heap to do with «im. They're a useful class, and — yet -with the best of 'em you may have • trouble." The friends -of a. jgentletnan in Ohio lately gav-e him a surprise visit. After itbe • departure of his guests he spent #*vend hour* *&d a large quantity of grease in removing from his persou' the leathers and tar vrtuchhad been playfMly • deposited thereon..