FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 182, 3 August 1871, Page 7

FACETIAE.

Babies are described as coupons attached to the bonds of matrimony.

Why is milk like the treadmill ? Because it strengthens the calves. " Teeth extracted with great pains," is the advertisement of a Washington dentest.

It is at the approach of dinner-time that we feel most sensibly " the emptiness of things below."

" Well, there's something in thah !" as the man said when he tried to put his boot on with a kitten in it.

A doctor was asked v to dance the "Lancers." He declined, but expressed a willingness to lance the dancers. " I do not say that Smith is a thief ; but I do say that if his farm joined mine, I wouid not try to ket.p sheep." In the Sandwich Islands it is death for a man's mother-in-law to visit him without permission. Happy Sandwich Islanders !

Heinrich Heine said every woman wrote with one eye on her page and the other on some man, except the Countess Hahn-Hahn, who had but one eye. An Irishman who had blistered his fingers by endeavouring to pull on a pair of boots, exclaimed : ."I believe I shall never get them on until I wear them a day or two."

" Do you think that raw oysters are healthy V asked a lady of her physician . "Yes," he replied, "I never knew one to complain of being out of health in my life." A disturbed preacher remarked :—"lf: — "If that cross-eyed lady in the side aisle, with red hair aud a blue bonnet, don't stop talking, I must point her out to the congregation." A well-known banker of lowa city has just returned from Europe. On being asked what he thought of Pompeii, he said " that it was an elegant place, but a good deal out of repair."

A gallant Frenchman having to say something to a young lady with a flat nose, said, " Mademoiselle, you are an angel come down from heaven, but I'm sorry you struck on your nose."

An eloquent divine of Sheboygan County, Wis., has won and wedded a female in the State prison, and the local paper announces that " the friends of the bride were opposed to the alliance." The Somerset "Messenger" says Semerville has got the laziest man yet discovered. He got up the other morning with one ear frozen because he was too lazy to turn over on the pillow to warm it.

"My daughter ! I want you to stop talking ; you must wait until you are *poken to." " Ma, 'l answered the bright -child, "if every one should wait until they Were spoken to, how could anyone

The people of Boston are so polite they call their Foundling Asylum a ." Refuge for Anonymous Humanity." That's nothing to Chicago. They nave a "Banehe" for babies born on the European plan. A Western gentleman lately put himself into bed on the steps of a chtirch, and, trying to fold the snownakes around him, declared, every time he grasped a handful, that " the darned sheets always toro so." A gentleman in this city throws dice with himself whenever he wants a drink,

to decide whether or not he shall indulge.

He has had a run of poor luck lately, and is unpleasantly affected by the consequent drouth.

A young Hoosier once said to a Hoosieress: "Sal, is there anybody . courtin' yu now V And Sal replied : " Well, Sam, there is one fellow sorter courtin', and sorter not, but I reckon it is more sorter not than sorter."

The remark of an exchange, "that many of our successful lawyers commenced life as preachers," is gracefully corrected

by one of the legal gentlemen referred to, who begs leave to state " that he began life as an infant/