F A C E T I Æ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 175, 15 June 1871, Page 7

F A C E T I Æ.

A man in Arkansas has been sentenced to be hanged, but none of the carpenters in the- neighbourhood will build his scaffold. ' He is himself a carpenter by trade, and the Sheriff proposed that he should put u^'lhe gallows. He says, however, tj^s it is asking too much of him, and that he won't do it— that he'll go unhanged a thousand years first.

Uuring the time of a great religious excitement, an honest Dutch farmer on the Mohawk was asked his opinion as to which-denomination of Christians was on the right way to heaven. " Veil, den," said he, "yen we ride our wheat to Albany, some say dish road is the best, and some say dat ; but it don't make much difference which road we take, for yen we get dere dey never ask us which way we come — and it's none of their pizziness — if our wheat is good."

An enterprising grocer of Hudson, N. V., has hit upon a novel mode of advertising his business. In what purports to be a communication to the editor of the "Star," he says :—" Some unprincipled scoundrel had circulated a report that lam down with small-pox. I brand such an one as an unprincipled liar and scoundrel. I- am happy to say, neither I nor any of my family are afflicted with that or any other disease, to my knowledge, but am on hand daily, selling lots of flour, groceries, boots, shoes, &c, at lower prices than ever."

Dr. John Brown tells a story of one Jeema, a door-keeper at the United Presbyterian^,. Church, in Broughton-place, Edinburgh. On a certain- occasion, after a charity .sermon, one of the congregation by accident put a crown piece into the plate instead of a penny, and starting back at its white and precious face, asked to have it back ; but Jeenas, who held the plate, said, "In once, in for ever." "Aweel, aweel," grunted the unwilling giver, "■ I'll get credit for it in heaven." " Jfa, na," said Jeems, "yell get credit only for the penny." A jealous New Orleans lover, who is captain of a schooner, arrived in port early the other morning, and hastened to find his lady-love. On the way he thought he saw_ her talking to another fellow. His first impulse was to kill Mm on the spot£ but he only rushed up frantically and tore them asunder, and was proceeding to rend his rival piecemeal when he discovered his" mistake. It was somebody else's lover and somebody else. His apology to apolieeman wouldn't do, and he had to tell his love-story very pathetically "in order to get away from the Recorder next morning.

Some years ago, in one of our Western courts, three men — an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotchman — were found guilty of murder, and sentenced to be hung. The judge told them they could each choose the tree on which they would like to be " strung up." The Scotchman promptly choae an ash-tree, and the Englishman an oak-tree. " Well, Pat, what will you be hung on V* asked the judge. " It it please your honour, I'd rather be hung on a gooseberry-bush." ''Oh'" said the judge, " that's not big enough." "Begorra, thin>" replied Pat, brightening up, " I'll wait till it grows."

A man being brought into court on a charge of larceny, was asked if guilty of the crime. Turning to the judge, he brusquely replied, "No, sir; are you?" " Prisoner," said tlie ruffled magistrate, " don't put on any airs with me, or I'll commit you for contempt of court. I ask you again, are you guilty 1" " And I tell you," no !" "But this man says he detected you in the very act of larceny." " Yes ; but I was fooling him." " Fooling him ! How do you make that out V f* Just making-believe, as you do sometimes." "Sir, what do you mean?" " Why, the other night, when you were staggering in the street, some folks thought you were tight, but I knew you were only making-believe." Prisoner discharged.