F A C E T I Æ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 170, 11 May 1871, Page 7

F A C E T I Æ.

A young man in Ohio recently opened a clothing store, and was sent to gaol for it. Reason — the clothing store belonged to another man. The following sentence, " John quickly extemporized live tow bags," contains all the letters of the alphabet, and only four of them are used more than once. Daughter: "-Well, to tell the truth, I did not think much of the close of the sermon." Father: " Probably yon were thinking more of the clothes of the congregation." A school girl was recently asked at an examination, by the gentleman, to tell him what Adam lost by his fall ; and when pressed she replied, " I suppose it was his hat." A Chicago lady lately dropped one. of her eyebrows in the church pew, and dreadfully frightened a young man sitting next to her, who thought it was his moustache. An Irish soldier, who had been abroad, being asked if he ha-i met with mnch hospitality, replied, " Oh, yes, too much; I was in the hospital almost all the time I was there." To make a little boy's trouser? "last" : When you make a suit of clothes for him, finish the coat first, and by so doing you make the trousers last. Tt is the only way the thing can be done. " Pat, where's your brother ? " "Och, o< thin, me darlint, he's dead, sir." "But how did he die? " " Why, sir, you see, he fell off the scaffold one day when the priest was talking to him." " Bob," said a stingy old fellow to his hired hand, " do you know how many pancakes you have eaten 1" " No, do you?" " Yes ; you have eaten f< urt :en." " Well," said John, " you count and I'll eat." A little boy, the son of a well known trainer, having broken his rocking-horse the day it was bought, his mamma bsgan to scold, when he silenced her by inquiring, " What is the use of a horse till it's broke?" v I say, deacon, have you hunted down that chap that stole your overcoat and umbrella?" "No, I have not molested him ; he'll turn up in a world where neither overcoat nor umbrella will be of use to him." " Come, Sambo, get up my boy ; it's after sunrise.'" What ob dat, massa? S'pose if sun vise two hours fore day, poor Sambo must get up, co 3 sun vise, eh ? Don't come dat game ober dis nigger, no how." An old lady who lost her purse a short time since, declared, on its being restored to her, that she wuiild not attempt to interfere with the reward which was stored up in heaven for the finder, by offering him money. A beggar who asked for a coat at a countryman's house in Meridan county, handed back one slightly worn, which was offered him, saying, " Madam, I want a coat that I should not be ashamed to wear in the daytime." Temperance Orator : "I am sure, Mrs. D., that at your age, being so hale and hearty, you must have led a temperate life." Mrs. D. : "I beg your pardon — I've done nothing of the kiud. I don't like temperance, and I hate temperance orators." Silence had fallen upon an entire parfy, when a gentleman said, in what he supposed to be an almost inaudible tone of voice, " Awful pause ! " "I guess, mister," exclaimed an indignant country lass, jumping up, "you'd have awful paws, too, if you had to do the scrubbing that I does." A near-3ighted young man in Tndianopolis is wretched. He went to see his girl, and found her father peeling potatoes with his wife's.apron on. He gob on his knees and proposed to the old man " before the old folks should come in," and was driven from the door with a butcher's knife for his pains. The Americans excel in evading the laws. An Act was passed to prevent the playing of ninepins (a very foolish Act, as Americans have so few amusements). As soon as the law was put in force, it war noti6ed everywhere — " Ten" pins played here ; and they have been played everywhere ever since. An imaginative writer says : — "Woman is compounded of three articles — sugar, tincture of arnica, and soft soap. Sugar, because of the sweetness that is apparent most women — alas, that in some it ' j^ohould have acidulated into strong domestic vinegar ! arir'ca, because in women is to be found any quantity of healing and soothing after the bruises and wcm add which afflict us men in the great battle of life ; and soft soap for reasons too obvious to need specification."