FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 167, 20 April 1871, Page 7

FACETI Æ.

A Cheque mate. — A wife. Love is an internal transport. So is a canal boat. Foster said of a depraved child, "I never saw so much essence of devil put into so small a vessel." Why does the Queen forbid flirtation at her dancing parties ? Because she likes to have her Bal-moral. " He-winks-at-the-sky," is the name of a famous Western brave. He generally writes it " H. W. A. T. Sky." A man who bumps his head against that of his neighbour ain't apt to think that two heads are better than one. An unsuccessful politician says that the most difficult vacancies for him to fill are the vacancies in his own family's stomachs. "Do you like cod-fish balls, Mr. Wiggins?" Mr. W., hesitatingly — "I really don't know, miss ; I dont recollect ever attending one. Many men have the materials of happiness placed withiu their reach, but not one in ten knows how to manufacture anything out of them. A boy's idea of having a tooth drawn : — " The doctor hitched fast on me, pulled his best, and just before he killed me the tooth came out." Mary Krumpasitiskososki was recently divorced from her husband at Jeffersonville, Ind., and now finds relief in her maiden name, Ponviutamatowski. It is said that Jersey City has a " Temperance brass baud." If this is the case, we don^t see how any member can conciixftttously " take a horn." xKiegress, speaking of one of her child-

ren, who was lighter coloured than the rest, said :—"I: — "I nebber could bear dat 'cause he show dirt so easy." PK^ western newspaper has hoisted the following as its motto: — "Good will to all men who pay promptly. Devoted to news and making money." Lady : v Before I engage you, I should like to know what your religion is i" Cook : "Oh, ma'am, I always feel it my duty to be ofj3ie same religion as the family I'm in,*' Felix M'Carthy, of the Kerry militia, was generally late on parade. "All, Felix," said the sergeant, "you are always last." "Be aisy, Sergeant Sullivan ; surely some one must be last." A western writer thinks that if the proper way to spell tho' is " though," and ate " eight," and bo " beau," the proper way to hpell potatoes is " poughteighteaux." The new way to spell softly is il psoughtleigh." " Sir," said an astonished landlady to a traveller who had sent his cup forward the seventh time, "you must be very fond of coffee." "Yes, madam, I am," lt or I should never have drunk so much water to get a little." An applicant for the "professorship" in an Ohio school writes to the ' ' schoolboareed," and sums up his qualifications by saying, that he has " touht 2 terms school & i attended college 4 yrs at detroit michigan, and am 26 yrs avage." A young lawyer of Philadelphia wrote to an old limb near Chicago thus : — Ts their an opening in your part of the coun-

try that 1 can get into V Answer :—: — '" There is an opening in my back yard about thirty feet deep, no wall around it. If that will suit, come on."

A late Atalanta paper says :—": — " A lady in this city tied her hubby's hands and feet the other day, just for fun, and then went through his pockets for a certain billet-doux and found it. His physician tells him that his face won't be badly scarred, though he may remain permanently bald."

Mrs. Parti ngton considers the German language utterly repugnant to English tongues and ears. She could never bring herself, she says, to allude to her " goodman " as Herr, after being accustomed all her life to the expression " him " as regards Mr. P. " He was a Vulgar Boy."— -Mrs. Lovekid (asked by an urchin to ring a door bell) : " There, my little fellow, I've rung it for you !" Run-away Ringer : " Well, then, if the peeler catches yer, don't go and swear as it was me !"

"Mamma," said an intelligent little gril," what is the meaning of a book being printed in 12ino V i( Why, my dear," replied the mother, "it means the book will be published in twelve monchs. "

A Sad Case. — Dear Judy —Answer this question if you can ; " When is an alderman like a ghost up a tree 1" (now I know you can't guess it, Judy, 30 here is the answer) — " When he's a ' gobbling up a fowfc'"— "Judy." I have a great love for old hymns," said a pretty girl to her masculine companion. "I am much fonder of young hers," was his reply. "^^dandy, ordering a pair of pantaloons <|otjM;ailor, said he wanted them very tight, according to the very latest fashion. •" If I can get them on," said he, "I won't ifcke theiu,"