F A C E T I Æ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 166, 13 April 1871, Page 7

F A C E T I Æ.

Law is like a sieve ; you may see through it, but you must be considerably reduced before you can get through it. Two twin brothers in New York are so much alike that they frequently borrow money of each other without knowing it. A young fellow fond of talking remarked, "lam no prophet." " True," replied a lady present, " no profit to yourself nor any one else." Why does a butcher stick splinters of wood into his meat ?— To skew'r it for Ms customers.

During an examination a medical stu-

dent" being asked the question, " When does mortification set in V replied, ' ' When you pop the question and are answered 'No.'"

An American paper gives the following instructive "Koolesfor Playing a Organ into Meetin " : — When the preacher cums in and neels down in the poolpit, pull out all the stoppers. That's wot the stoppers is for. When a him is gave out to be Bung, play over the whoal toon before

aingin, but be sure to play ifc so that they can't tell whether it's that toon or some other toon. It will amoose the people to gess. When you play the int^rloods sometimes pull all the stoppers out, and sometimes pull them all in. The stoppers is ijjjde to pull out and in. Flay the interlocks about twice as long as the toon. " Why, Walter, is this you V said a bride of a month's standing, as she found her husband drunk on the doorstep about midnight. " Yes, my dear." " What in 4£e world has kept you so !" " Ueen out on little turn with the b-boys, my d-dar-ling." "Why, Walter, you are intoxicated !" " Y-y-es, dear, I estimate that's so." " What on earth made you get so drunk ? And why — oh why do you come home to me in this . dreadful state !" Because, my darling, mil tlie other places"r shut up J" An American paper publishes the following as a copy of the sign-board of an itinerant showman :—": — " A Rattel Snaick

to be Shoed. — The higtry off this snaick is as follars : hee was ketcht on tung mounting buy a poore man with a large fammely, being sick yers old and very wenamus, he is now in a bocks and cant hirt noboddy, which is much better than

too bee running wilde, caase he cant want to eat nothing. Admittance is sickpents for them that please to pay it, and thrip-

pents for them that dont ; a liberal re-

ducksnun for fammelees. For more partikelars pleese to cawl on Old Nick.

T.N. — Take notiss it was the poore manand not the snaick that had a large fammely." No sound was heard but a horrible hum As around our chamber we hurried. In search of the insect whose trumpet and drnin

Our delectable slumbers had worried. "We thought as we rose from our restless bed, And relinquished our pleasant pillow, That we'd not get in again till he was dead, And we were secured from his bill O ! But half an hour had seemed to elapse, Ere we met with the wretch that bit us, And, raising our boots, gave some terrible slaps, That made the mosquito's quietus. Quickly and gladly we turned from the dead, And left him all smashed and gory ; We blew out the candle, and popp'd into bed, Determined to tell you the story. At a station on the overland route to California, the keeper got rather short of provisions ; in fact, had nothing left but a buttle of mustard and some bacon. As the stage stopped there one day to change horses, the passengers seated themselves at the table, and the host said, "Shall I help you to a piece of the bacon ?" " " No, thank you ; I never eat' bacon," said a traveller. " Well, then," said the station keeper, " help yourself to mustard !" The editor of the " Cynthiana News " in making an appeal to those owing him who are in arrear to pay up, says :—": — " We hope they will settle without delay. Not that we want the money — oh, no \ Our ink is given to us, we steal our paper, and we win our printers' wages at 'seven up.' So it costs us nothing to carry on business. Nevertheless, as a matter of accom-

modation, and to ease their conscience, jfi?e will take what they owe us, if they i Jwjl send it immediately." The following will was filed recently in the Surrogate's office at New York :—: — " Unto my beloved wife, : All my wordly good 3 I have in store 1 give my j^beloved wife and hers for evermore ; II 11I 1 f 1 give all truly ;I no limit fix. This is my ?sill, she my executrix."