FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 162, 16 March 1871, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

Nothing like grammar : better go without a cow than go without that. There are numberless prof essers who go "tramp, tramp, tramp, my boys !" around the conntry, peddling a weak article, by which in twenty days they guarantee to set a man throughly up in the English language. An instance in point comes from Greeville, Alabama, where a professor had laboured with, the youth of that people, and taught them to dote on grammar according to Morris's system. During one of the lectures the sentence " Mary milks the cow " was given to be parsed. Each word had been parsed save one, which fell to Bob L . a six-teen-year old, near the foot of the class, who stands thus ; Cow is a noun, feminine, singular number, third person, and stands for Mary." " Stands for Mary !" said the excited professor, " how do you make that out?" "Because," answered the noble pupil, "if the cow don't stand for Mary, how could Mary milk her ?"

I'm just a wee bit lassie, with a lassie's winsome ways, and worth my weight in solid gold, my uncle Johnny says. My curly little noddle holds a thimbleful of sense ; not quite as much as Solomon's — but his was so immense ! I know that sugar-plums are sweet, that "No my lore." means yes ; and when I'm big I'll always wear my pretty Sunday dress. And I can count — 'leven, six, nine, five — and say nay AB C. Now have you any taffy, dear, that you could give me ? I'm Bridget's " Torment of her life, that makes her brain run wild," and mamma's " Darling little elf," and ujranuni's " Blessed child " ; and uncle Johnny's " Touch me not," and papa's "'Gyptaiii queen." I make them stand about, you see ; that must be what they mean. For opening hard, old, stony hearts, I have two precious keys, and one is, 0, 1 thank you, sir ; ihe other's if you please. And if these do not answer, I know another trick : I would .squeeze two mighty tear-drops out — that melts 'em pretty quick. I'm as sweet as a|^ttjly bed — and sweeter, too, I s'pose ; K^MlLat's uo reason why T shouldn't rumple my clothes. O, would I be an angel, if an angel never cries, nor soils its pretty pinafore makin' nice dirt pies ! I'm but a little lassie, with a thimbleful of sense ; and as to being very wise, I best make no pretence ; but when I am a woman grown, now don't you think I'll do, if only just about as good as dear mamma and you ?

The following notice is very beautiful : -" jtfuniber Ellis to mend cheep 'ere."

Why will the Parisians, when the siege is over, be the most intelligent people in the world ? Because all the asses in Paris will have been eaten. Mistress : " Are not these lovely flowers, nurse?" Nurse: " They be indeed, ma'am ! Equal to the best artificials."

A sharp man stopped at a Boston hotel and got supper and lodging, agreeing to kill all the rats on the premises to pay for his entertainment. In the moming the landlord asked him to go in and kill the rats, when the guest asked for an axe, after obtaining which he said, "Fetch out your rats, Mr. Landlord." He hadn't agreed to catch the rats.

A Pennsylvania paper tells of a local preacher who has received for salary this year nothing but a curry-comb, a keg of varnish, and two dozen clothes-pins. Whenever his children cry with hunger he gags them with a clothes-pin, scratches their stomachs with a curry-comb, and lays on a coat of varnish.

The industrious chronicler of "Passing Events" for the "Sunday Times" falls into a grave error. He complains that English people will not "mix": "This is partly due, no doubt, to the insular exclusiveness of the English people ; they will not " mix." Only place a bottle of potheen, jug of hot water, lemon, and sugar basin before prince or peasant— and — you shall see what you shall see.

An alderman was heard the other day putting forth the following specimen of what may be called " corporation " logic : — " All human things are hollow. I'm a humanthing, therefore I'm hollow. It is contemptible to be hollow ; therefore I'll stuff myself as full as I'm able."

Tt is said that a man who was staying at a western hotel woke up one morning and couldn't find his pillow anywhere. Just as he was about giving up the search, lie put bis "hand to his head, and found that the pillow had got jammed in his ear. The regulation allowance at a hotel is one feather for a pillow, and two for a bolster.

An exchange gives the following account of a financial transaction which took place in an office in New York : -By some means it happened that the office boy owed one of the clerks three cents, the clerk owed the cashier two cents, and the cashier owed the office boy two cents. The office boy, having one a cent in his pocket, concluded to diminish Ids debt, and therefore handed the nickel coin to the clerk, who, in turn, paid half his debt by giving the coin to the cashier. The cashier handed the cent to the office boy, remarWjM, " Now I only owe you one cent.^^jjKhe office boy again passed the cent t0.5 clerk, who passed it back to the cashier, who, passed it back to the office boy ; and the latter individually squared all accounts by paying it to the clerk, thereby discharging the entire gebt-=-^" Californian Advertiser."