FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 161, 9 March 1871, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

"What is whiskey bringing now?" — " Thousands of women and children to want." An old maid denounces matrimony, because she says there is something childish in it. " Can you tell me what a smile is?" asked a gentleman of a liltle girl. "Yes, sir ; it's the whisper of a laugh." Law is like a seive ; you may see through it, but you must be considerably reduced before you can get through it. A close-fisted Scotchman recently insisted upon being admitted to a panorama at half-price because he had but one eye. Two twin brothers in New York are so much, alike that they frequently borrow money of each other without knowing it. A young fellow fond of talking remarked, "I am no prophet." "True," replied a lady present, "no profit to yourself, nor any one else." An Irishman complained of his. physician that he kept so stuffing him with drugs that he was sick for a week after he was quite well. Mr.-.. Par&inglou says she understands the pickle the Emperor has got into, but she would like to know what this neutrality is that Victoria is trying to preserve. An expeditious mode of getting up a row i& to cany a long ladder on your shoulder in a crowded thoroughfare, and every few minutes turn round to see if anyone in making faces at you. A person observed to his friend, who was learning to take stmfF. that it was wrong to teav'h one's nose a lad h&hi!-, as a man generally follows his nose. A musician, in giving notice of an intended concert, thus expressed it : — '' During the evening a number of songs may be expected, too tedious to mention." MMi^ip '■ Xi I cannot allow butter and J^PrsA). on your bread, Master Alfred, ft is very extravagant." Master Alfred . "It can't be extravagant, Alary, if the same piece of bread d"e3 for both." — " Punch." A farmer in Pennsylvania, whose sheep had been stolen for many years, offered a notorious sheepstealer £20 a year to let his flocks alone. The worthy, however, only smiled, and said, •'' No. thauk you ; I think I can do better." A husband advertises thus: — "My wife Maria has strayed or been stolen. "Whoever returns her will get his head broke. As to trusting her, anybody can do so if they see fit ; for as I never pay my own debts, it's not likely I'll pay hern." "Are you coloured?" a Providence policeman asked of an inebriated contraband in the station-house, whom he could not see very distinctly in the semi-dark-ness of the cell. " No-o-o," drawled the drowsy and drunken captive — " not coloured — born so." An Irishman walking through a gentleman's demesne was stopped by the owner, who told him that it was no road for strangers. ' ' Well, indeed, your honour, it is not a very good one, but i am not particular at the present time, as lamin a hurry." He walked on. In absence of any^other messenger, a colonel sent word to the band, by the surgeon, that some music was wanted. " Can't blow a note,'' said the drum major, " for we haven't had anything to eat yet." "No excuse at all," said the doctor, "blow away, there's plenty of wind in an empty stomach." One Sunday, when the minister of Udny entered the kirk he was no less surprised than indignant to find that "Jamie Fleming" had taken possession of the pulpit. "Come doon, Jamie," said his reverence. " Come ye up, sir ; they're a stiti-neckit and rebellious generation, sir, an' it will tack us baith to manage them," answered Jamie. A lazy dyspeptic was bewailing his own misfort'ines, and speakiug with a friend on the latter's hearty appearance. "What do you do to make you so strong and healthy ?" inquired the dyspeptic. " Live on fruit alone," answered the friend. "What kind of fruit?" "The frnit of industry ; and I am never troubled with indigestion." ■• An old man, who had been dreadfully henpecked all his life, wa3 visited on his deathbed by a clergyman. The old man appeared very indifferent, and the parßon tried to arouse him by talking of the King of Terrors. " Hout, tout, man, I'm no scaur't. The King o' Terrors? I've been living sax and thirty years with the Queen o' them, and the King canna be muckle waur." An Election Joke.— The "Ballarat Star" reports a rather good piece of dialogue which occurred lately, concerning the approaching election. A hotelkeeper asked a gentleman, by whom he was nofc much e&teetned, if he would allow himself to be nominated as a candidate for a seat in the Assembly, and £he request was made for the amusement Jni .the bystanders, as the gentleman asked *?>&& not considered " likely." Mr. replied that if ihe hotelkeeper voted for him he would prolong his life, and on being asked how that could be done, added, "By introducing a bill for the abolition of capital punishment."