FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 159, 23 February 1871, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

Disagreeable and Impertinent.— Ruin staring a person in the face.

What sort of leggings would you explore the Nile with I — Wli-gaiters. It is a mistake to suppose the sun is supported in the skies by its beams.

A man who has tried it says that all the short cuts to wealth ard over-crowded.

Why is coffoe like an axe with a dull edge ? — Because it has to be ground before it is used.

Why are a shoe-maker's plans always frustrated ? — Becau&e his plans always end in de-feet.

" Good blcod will show itself," as the old toper said, struck by ihs redness of his nose.

A widower was recently rejected by a damsel who didn't want affections that had been "warmed over."

A Druggist lias this cheerful invitation in his shop-Tviiidow : — '"Come in, and get twelve emetics for Is."

A man in Boston is said to be so short that, when he is ill, he dont't knoiv whether lie has headache or orns

A PaMey bailie, in speaking of one of his coadjutors in office, whom he thought a little "cracke-J," said, "If they don't

kesp razors frae that man, he'll commit suicide on himsel', or some ither person."

An old bachelor says that giving the ballot to women would not amount to tiny thing practically, because they w< mid keep denying that they were old enough

to vote until the}- got too old to take any .interest in politics. j|A Gentleman. — There have been many of a gentleman, but the and most poetic is that given by

a young lady. " A gentleman," says she, " is a human being combining a woman's with a man's courage." Tho only mention of paper money in the Bible, says an exchange, is where it says that the dovo brought the "green back" to Koali. A mistake— when the

32 were sent out they were commanded to take no "scrip" with them. A disconsolate widower in Deleware, after much reflection, evolved the following epitaph for his wife's tombstone :—: — " Thou hast gone before me, To thy last and long sleep ; Tears can not restore tbee, Therefore I wee])."

A Plain " Charge " liy an Outspoken Judge. — '* Gentleman of the jury, in this case the counsel on both sides are unintelligible ; the witnesses on both sides are incredible ; and the plaintiff and defendant are both such bad cliaracteis that to me it is indifferent which way you give your verdict."

Thankful.— "Did you leave Mr. Filkin's umbrella at his house ?" "No ma," said John. "Why didn't you ? Didn't I tell you to do so?" " Yes, ma : but didn't you tell me, yesterday, always to

keep something on hand for a rainy day ; and what better thing can I keep than an umbrella ?"

The "Methodist" wishes that Christian men would remember God in their business affairs. Too many, it says, if they were honest, Avould declare as the old did who said : " When I start on an errand of mercy and stop to deal in horses, I never have good luck. The fact is, I don't want the Lord around when I'm trading horses !" One for the Old Lady; — An old lady

was recently brought as a witnes before a bench of magistrates, and when asked to

take off her bonnet, obstinately refused

to do so, saying, ' ' There's no law compelling a woman to take off her bonnet." " Oh," imprudently replied one of the magistrates, " you know the law do you ? Perhaps you would like to come up here and teach us ?" " No, J thank you Sir," said the woman, tartly ; " there are old women enough there now."

Watch and Pray. — The congregation of a well-known church in the south of Scofc-

land has recently had uuder discussion the question of the attitude of prayer. Jamie M , rather a character in the town, being asked by a lady of the congregation if he wanted to conform to the recomendation of the minister that all should kneel, replied very emphatically, "Never a bit will I kneel. The Bible

says, 'Watch and Pray,' an' hoo can everybody watch on their knees, wi' their e'ensteekit? Na, na, I'll just stand an' glower about me as I hae aye dune." Rather Strong. — The amenities of social lifn and journalistic intercourse in Arkansas are fearful and wonderful to contemplate, if the following choice and high-toned outbreak may be considered as a characteristic specimen. Says one editor of another : "The volcanic pimpleheaded, blister-brained, owl-faced, spikednosed, weasel-faced, web-footed, peg-

legged, liliputiah, foggy pettifogger of _*he " Democrat" does not like our perJ/Jk& ' Appearance. Until this f ullTrwithed brazen debaser has been run ' through a slave, a filter, scoured, sponged, Scrubbed, swabbed, and disinfected, until he is a fit object to enter decent society, we will forbear having anything to say about him."