HOW TOM ROUSED HIS WIFE

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 158, 16 February 1871, Page 7

HOW TOM ROUSED HIS WIFE

The wife of Tom Gordon is a victim to imaginary ailments, and is never so content as when living according to the directions of her medical adviser. Dr. Valentine now understands her whims and oddities so well that he humours her in every caprice ; if she imagines rheumatism is her complaint, he agrees with her and prescribes some harmless potion ; if she thinks her appetite decreasing, some bread pills keep her in good spirits until the fancied symptoms of some other disease induce her to send again for him.

During the last four years Tom has often wished that his wife would roll down stairs and break her foolish head, for the reason that tho physicians and apothecary's bills made a serious iu-road upon his income. About three mouths ago she complained of a pain in her side, and, as usual, the doctor was summoned. After prescribing three or four bottles of different compounds — all harmless, but rather expensive — he said : " All you want to assist medicine in effecting a cure is a little rousing. Although your ailment is serious it is not dangerous. A ssume a little enei'gy, and you will recover. Remember, rouse yourself." After the doctor had retired, the patient fancied that at last some serious disease was beginning to manifest itself, and, like a fool, she went to bed in despair, Tom understands the case thoroughly, from long experience, and said mentally, " She wants rousing, does she ? Well, I'll give her a surprise that wO startle her." Mrs. Hake, an attractive widow, was engaged to act in the capacity of nurse to Mrs. Gr. The widow is young, buxom, amiable ; and Tom thought her attractive qualities might be made available in giving the patient the necessary rousing. A short consultation with Mrs. Hake resulted in the arrangement of a plan, the execution of which was to influence Mrs Gr. to for ever afterwards throw physic to the dogs. Late in the next evening, while the patient was fretting and groaning, and announcing her intention of giving up the ghost, Tom called Mrs. Hake aside, and said in a pretended whisper, but loud enough to be heard by the invalid : " Poor Fanny ! she is about to die at last, and you and I may as well arrange for our marriage." Tom threw a glance over his shoulder as he spoke, and observed the dying patient cease her groaning and begin to arouse herself. Ai-ising to a sitting posture in the bed to note every word of the conversation, she stared at them with eyes as big as small onions peeled. " 'Twill be a relief to her," continued Tom, " for she has always been an invalid. I too have suffered as well as she, but with you, the picture of health, as my wife, happiness will be complete." The widow threw herself upou Tom's shoulders, her arm about his neck, and bs^au. to chew his vest in inoutlifuls to smother her laughter. "How soon shall we get married after she is dead?" asked Tom, his arms around the widow's substantial waist.

" I suppose you will be willing to wait a week or two ?" simpered Mrs. Hake, as she leaned her head on his shoulder, and tookjinother mouthful

of vest,

The invalid uttered an exclamation and landed on the floor. " You think lam going to die, do you?" she exclaimed.

" I'll live to spite you both ! And for you " — she turned and grasped Mrs. Hake by the hair — " out of my house, you designing vixen ! 1 will act as my own nurse hereafter." From that day to this, Mrs. Gr. has enjoyed health, and Tom has enjoyed good spirits, because ho has not had a doctor's bill to pay. He knew how to cure hex*, for she only needed rousing, and Tom roused her.