FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 157, 9 February 1871, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

Housewife's Motto. — Whatever thou dust, dust it with all thy might. New reading of an old song : " Home, sweet home, there's no place like the public-house !" Tlie red men wear rings in their noses. The white men do not, yet many of them are more easily Jed by tliem. A celebrated wit was asked if he knew Theodore Hook. "'Yes," replied he, " Hook and eye are old associates." Whenever a young lady ha 3 neither pearls in her gums nor pearls in her mind, we advise her to keep her mouth shut. Alluding to chignons, Mrs. Cleaver said, '*'A girl now seems all head." " Yes, till you talk to her," replied Mr. Cleaver. "Jack, lend me 10s till I sell my dog." Jack replied, soothingly and sympathetically, ' ' Oh, Jim, I wouldn't sell him !" A young lady who has been practising "Let me Kiss him for his Mother," says the more she tries it the better she likes it.

A photographer in Tndianopolis exposes delinquent customers by displaying their portraits upside down, labelled "Not paid for." A country postmaster has posted a notice in his office directing people to " lick their own stamps, or else the letters won't go." A German being required to give a receipt in full, after much mental effort produced the following: — "I.ish full. I wants no more monies. John Swachammer." During an examination a medical student was asked the question, " When does mortification ensue ?" and replied, "When you pop the question and are answered ' No.' " A woman applied to a magistrate for a summons against a neighbour. "She called me a thief, your worship. Can't I make her prove it V "No doubt you could," said the magistrate, " but I think you had better not." Pugethas succeeded in adjusting the eye of a flea so ihat, by the use of the microscope, he is enabled to see objects through it. It multiplies and diminishes every object. . Thus a soldier appears like an army of pigmies. A lady in Birmingham complains .that the first year of her married life her htia-' called ncr "my dear," the second B* Mrs. A~," and the third year " old sorreltqp/' -whion was too much for- her , to bear. '-■' An minoisaa-ha»"-I>ecoDae the fifth husband of a woman, just to see what effect it would have on him, as he had heard that her first livisband ran away, that the second hung himself t the third shot himself, and tbe fourth drowned himself.