FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 145, 17 November 1870, Page 7

FACETIAE.

A man recently died in Detroit from " wane of neglect." Men born olind can't be carpenters because they never saw. It was woman who first tempted man to eat, but he took to drink on his own account afterwards. An old man is easier robbed than a young one, for his locks are few, and his gait is generally broken. A man who has a scolding wife, being asked what he did for a living, replied that he " kept a hot-house." At a late wedding, the young couple received as presents three sewing machines, six large family Bibles, ten ice pitchers, and four cradles. A temperance pledge has been circulated in Russia, which bound the signers to abstain from brandy " till it should become cheaper and better." A correspondent who has been shaved "by the active, tiny, gentle, and soft hand of a woman" says he likes it — that a woman is a natural barber. A gentleman once observed that a person famous in the musical line led a very abandoned life, " Ay," replied a wag, " the whole tenor of his life has been base." "Ah, Charley," said one little fellow to another, " we are going to have a cupola on our house." " Pooh ! that's nothing," rejoined the other ; " Papa's going to get a mortgage on ours." " Madam," said a cross -tempered physician to a patient, "if women were admitted to Paradise their tongues would make it a purgatory," " And some physicians, if allowed to pratice there," replied the lady, " would make it a desert." A Yankee reporter is terrifically " graphic" in describing the recent collision of railroad trains in Missouri. Hear him — " The two engines rushed at each other like malign and enraged monsters, grappled with a tremendous crash, reared from the track in a mortal wrestle, and fell into helpless and disjointed fragments on the ground." A Parisian lady called on her milliner the other day to " take up" the character of a servant. The respectable appearance of the latter was beyond questioning. "But is she honest ?" asked the lady. " I am not so certain about that," replied the milliner ; "I have sent her to yon with my bill a dozen times, and she had never yet given me the money." A certain Chief Justice, on hearing an ass bray, interrupted the late Mr Curran in his speech to the jury, by saying, " One at a time, Mr Curran, if you please." The speech being finished, the judge began his charge, and during his progress the ass sent forth the full force of its lungs, whereupon the advocate said, " Does not your lordship hear a remarkable echo in the court ?" Jn a parish church not a hundred miles from Leith, the minister, recently on Sunday, gaveout the afternoon psalm , but there was no response on the part of the precentor Looking over his desk the clergyman saw the " man of music" sound asleep ; and, reaching down, he tapped the sleeper on the head with a hymn-book. To the horror of clergyman and congregation the precentor suddenly sprang to his feet, and shouted, "Hullo, what's trump?" Two countrymen, wearing homespun, after inspecting a locomotive at a small station in Indiana, interrogated the engineer with: — "Stranger, are this a locomotive V " Certainly. Did'nt you ever ace one before !" "No, hav'n't never saw one afore. Men Bill come down to the station to-night purpose to see one. Them's the biler, ain't it?" "Yes, certainly." " What yer call that you're in?" "We call this the cab." "And this big wheel V " That's the driving wheel." " That big thing on the top is the chimbley, I Buppose V " Precisely." " And what may you do ?" "I am the engineer." " Bill," aaid the fellow to his mate, after eyeing the driver closely for a few minutes, " it don't take much of a man to be an ensineer, do it ?" Not long ago a cobbler, belonging to the town of Ayr, fell into the river, and was with considerable difficulty rescued. The usual restorative measures were adopted, including, of course, a decent quantity of brandy, which in his insensible state the knight.of St. Crispin absorbed in a remarkable manner. After a fourth glass of cognac had been poured down the cobbler's throat, a bystander, observing that the poor fellow wore a pair of long Wellingtons which to some extent impeded the operations of the good Samaritans who had taken the case in hand, produced a knife and was about to cut

the boots from the leg 3of the " drowned v Aiian." But this movement had an eletric effect, Jumping to his feet, the cobbler roared, "No, I'm d— d if ye'U cut the boots — they're no' mine, they belong to a customer l"