FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 142, 27 October 1870, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

What burns to keep a secret ? — Sealing wax. old. soaker repJied to a temperance lecSrcer by the following poser : — " If water rots the soles of your boots, what effect must it have on the coat of your stomach 1 " A boy, eight years old, in one of our schools, having been told that a reptile "is an animal that creeps," on being asked to name one on examinationday, promptly and triumphantly replied, " A baby." An advertisement in a Vicksburg paper reads as follows :—": — " The man who bet a box of cigars that it would be a boy, and lost it because it turned out a girl, had better come and pay me for the cigars or I will pat his name to the above, and let the public know who the unfortunate gentleman-us. — G. M. Haszinger." During the time of a great religious excitement, an honest- Dutch, fanner on the Mohawk was asked his opiiion as to which denomination of christitns was on the right way to heaven, ""veil, den," said he, ." yen we ride our wheat to Albany, some say dish road is the best, and some say dat ; but it dent make much difference which road we dake, .for when we get dere, dey never ask us which way we come— and it's none of their pizziness — if our wheat is good." \ A man being brought into tourt on charge of larceny was asked if guilty of the crime.- Turning to the Judge, he brusquely repled, " No, sir, are you ?" " Prisoner," said the ruffled magistrate, " don't put on any airs with me, or I'll commit you for contempt of Court. I ask you agaiu, are you guilty ?" " Aad I tell you, no !" " But this man kays he detected you in the very act of Urceny." "■ Yea ; but I was fooling him.*' " Fooling him .'^ How do you make tha 1 ; out V '" Just making-believe, as you do sometimes." "Sir, what do you mean?" V Why, the other night, when ycu were daggering ja the street, some folks mougnt pu were tight, but J'knew you were only 4aking-believe !" Prisoner discharged. A priest^ the other day, was' examining a confirmation class in the south i>f Irelad, and asked the question, " What is te Sacrament of Matrimony 1 " A little grl at the head of the class answered, 'iTis a place of torment into which so wls eier to prepare them for another world." ">eing," said the teacher, "the answer f ojpurgatory. Put her down to the foot ofjhe class." " Lave her alone," said the prat, ff for anything you or I know to thcontrary, she may be perfectly right." pulls" are not all of Irish origin. It ■waahe mayor of a Portuguese city who onc\emimerated, among the. marks by whirthejrody hi a drowned Man' might. beifatijfted, '''ahiarlfed impediment in liis -feee&.V General Taylor was made ridicbus for' a time by the sentence whickcci|jp;ed_near. the beginning of his mess* gent to the; Thirty : first Congress, Deceifer, 1849, as follows ; — "We are at peace\itji., ( all the «world, and seek to mainti our cherished relations of amity with V 'feat of mankind." But Mr Buchai jalmost iriat-jhed it in a speech -which Vnade aVthe South, in whicn he |flid---Mdo believe, ■ gentlemen, that ~ -well as the people 'of the United Wes, are interested in the preservatiolf the Union ;" and John C, Calhounlmmenting on the clause in the DeclaratW Independence, to the effect that all Hare created equal, remarked thati"Ontw6 men were created, and one of thiras a woman !"