FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 141, 20 October 1870, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

When the cold wind blows take care of your nose, that it don't get froze, and wrap up your toes in warm woollen hose. The above, we suppose, was written prose bysome one who knows the effect of cold snows. Teacher : Define the word " admission !" ■" Fourpence !" " What sort of a definition do you call that 1" " 1 don't know, " sulkily replied the hoy ; "butl'am sure it says so in the advertisement down there at the show.*' "Yes," said another boy, ''and children half-price." A woman in Wisconsin lately hung herself because her husband went to Calif oraia. JNTot long after several other husbands started for the land of gold, but there ** better halves" who were left behmd " wouldn't hang worth a cent," and. the poor fellow returned broken-hearted. At the time of the French war, when a goodly number of Falkland youths joined the array, they all enlisted in the same regiment — th.3 93rd Highlanders — and all ihrJflWL^ie war they remained together. Anderson, from Auchtermuchty, shouted at Waterloo, " ' Muchty for ever !" Tarn Burt, from Falkland, called more loudly still, " Falkland for langer V A Washington paper gives the wife of the Russian Ambassador the following first-rate notice :—": — " The profusion and .colour of her hair would lead one to look jipon it as though it had been spun by the nimble fingers of the easy hours as they glided through bright June days, whose sunny rays of light had been caught in the njeshes, and were content to go no fayther," New York papers of February 25 publish news from Washington to the effect that Rear-Admiral Rowan, commanding the United States Asiatic squadron, reports to the Navy Department, under date of Hong-Kong, January 14, that peace and quietness- appear to be the rule in that part of the world, with the exception of occasional depredations of pirates and the murder of a missionary " now and then." * " Tobias, come up with your lesson. What does g-l-a-ss spell?" "Well, I knew once, but I forget now." " What's in your mother's window-sashes ?" There js so many things that I can't remember them all. There's the hoss blanket in one place, brother Job's hat in another, sister Patience's bonnet in another, and dad's old breeches in the hole that Zeb and I made yesterday." " Take a run out, Toby ; you may go and play for awhile." There is a story told of a well-known ironmaster, the proprietor of large foundries, who, in his capacity of judge, had before him a wretched-looking youth accused of theft. The magistrate, moved by the sickly appearance of the delinquent, was about to impose a nominal punishment, when the prosecutor interrupted him with, the remarlj, " Hold hard, your honour, it was pig-iron he stole'" " Pigiron !" shouted the judge, "the scoundrel's sentence will be sixty days !" The " New York Clipper" says :— " A girl, one of the frail sisterhood, took advantage of the virtue and innocence of the editor of the San Francisco New Age, while he was on a visit to the metropolis on the 23rd of May, and robbed the inoffensive gentleman of sixty dollars, though how any editor could have that much money on his person is a puzzle. The depraved creature was caught, and for thus taking in and robbing the editor of the New Age she should be put away until she has reached an extreme old age." A yoang man who had spent a little of Jus own time and a good deal of his father's money in fitting himself for the bar, was recently asked, after his examination, how he got on. "Oh, well," said he, "I answered one question right." "Ah, indeed i' said the old gentleman, with a look of satisfaction at his son's peculiar smartness, " and what was that ?" "They asked me what a gui tarn, action was." si That was a hard one ! And you answered it correctly, did you ?" (( Yes ; I told them I did not know." A Roman being about to repudiate his wife, among a variety of other queshajions from her enraged kinsmen, was asked H(L" Is sh.e not a handaome woman ? Has she not borne you fine children ?" In answer to which qnestions, slipping off his shoe, he held it up, and interrogated them in turn — "Is not this a shoe? A very handsome one ? Is it not quite new 1 '" Is it not extremely well made ? How then, is it that none of yoii can tell me where tb.e shoe pinches ?"