FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 139, 6 October 1870, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

The shortness of life is very often owing to the liver. Why is a stage like a bird ? Because it has «• wings" and " flies." Starting a man in business — kicking a merchant out of his own store. \ The best adhesive label you can put on '• ' ■ - i; '-lr to it yourself. i ■ . • .. ■ •■--■ ""nt to gaol

iIl ii i-i to sleep. ißow-eha>]<l3e ! * said he didn't mean - ;• ,4-iarageraeut to the Fan w&tm Ji«? ' / t..'v \is juu'ller were the best, light"; X- ra ! 'h r-iev (<. - rv«.' t :rnVe . livii^ -- v, i ■(■•?, ' '"iJ fiiiet! His copy was *• vn^.- - - -v > .< V and the scholars wrote it, " '»* •• ■ soap is wholly absurd." We have read how difficult it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven, and endeavour kindly to suppose that that is the reason why many ministers of the gospel attend so exclusive to the salvation of the wealthy. — " Manchester Shadow." A Gascon preacher stopped short in the pulpit ; it was in vain that he scratched his head ; nothing would come out. "My friends," said he, as he walked quietly down the pulpit stairs, " my friends, I pity you, for you have lost^ a fine discourse."

Is a restaurant so called because you can rest or rant there ?

" I love thee still," exclaimed a musical father to his screeching infant.

It is a somewhat queer fact that a compositor takes most e'es when hardest at work.

An old toper being requested to define hard drinking said, "It was sitting on a rock and sipping cold water."

An American editor recently said to his correspondents, "If we should desire stupid articles we can write them ourselves."

A Southern editor having been sent a barrel of whisky, thankfully acknowledges it, and says he is now fortified against snake bites.

There is jist this difference between a fule and a hen — the fule cackles before, and the hen not till after, the egg iz lade. — Josh Billings. " What," asked Margarita, of Cecilia, " what dearest do you think is really the , food of Cupid V And Cecilia answered, " Arrow-root." Keporters are often unconsciously satirical. A morning paper says in an obituary — " Mr Smith was an estimable citizen. He lived uprightly. He died with perfect resignation. He had recently been married." "My dear," said the sentimental Mrs Waddles, " home, you know, is always the dearest spot on earth. " ' ' Well, yes," said the practical Mr Waddles, "it does cost me about twice as much as any other spot," A servant girl, who was employed to pickle her master's cabbages, took the opportunity to cabbage her master's pickles. She is the same woman who was happy and careless when young, andcappy and hairless when old. An orator holding forth in favour of

"woman, dear, divine woman," concluded

thus :—": — " Oh, my hearers, depend upon it, nothing beats a good wife." " I beg your pardon," replied one of his auditors, " a bad husband does." A husband two years after marriage met an old friend who congratulated him upon his improved personal appearance, but said, " Tt seems to me you have grown smaller," "No wonder," was the reply ; " ever since I saw you I have been coming down handsomely." The presentation of a diamond ring to a Cincinnati actress the other day gave a gifted reporter of that city the opportunity for this remarkable outburst : — ll It was a .trifling tribute from an humble admirer of the noble drama to a brillant beacon upon the slxot»tower of histrionic genius."