FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 138, 29 September 1870, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

" How many are there ov ye's down there 1 " shouted an Irish overseer to some men in a coalpit. " Five," was the answer. " Well, then, the half of ye's come up here."

Severl Chicago merchants have engaged handsome young ladies to collect their outstanding accounts. The plan is said tn work, well, only the bachelors rather like that kind of dunning.

Liverpool is a wonderful place. Babies are no longer born there, if we credit the announcement in a local paper, that "during the month of February 229 young gentlemen and 324 young ladies were born iv the city."

" \on have not one drop of the great Napoleon's blood in your veins," said tesry old Jerome one day in a pet to his nephew, the Emperor. " Well," replied Louis Napoleon, "at all events I have his wwi le family on my shoulders.'"

"I say, Sambo, can you answer this eoundsfun— Supposin' I gib you a bottle ob whisky shut wid a cork, lwu would you get the whisky out widout pullin' de cork, or breakiu' de bottle?" "I gibs dat up." " Why, push de cork in. Yah, yah !"

Mr Justice Page was renowned for his hfivshue33 and ferocity upon the bench. WliiJeg>ing the circuit, a facetious lawyer, named Crowle, was asked if "the judge wa3 not ju3t behind V "I don't know," said Crowle, " but if he is, I am sure he was never just before."

A hard-bearted father in New Albany, Ind., was not long ago outwitted by the ardent lover of his daughter. Knowing there was a savage dog on the premises, the lover took an equally ferocious cur with him , and set the two to fight. While the old folks were trying to separate the do^s, the ghi slipped out by the back door and was married to her devoted John.

A country apothecary, not a little disting.iislied for his ienpudencs, in the hope of di3Qoncertinjj a young clergyman, whom he knew to be a man of singular modesty asked him, ia the presence of a large company, at a puMic assembly, " Why did the patriarchs of old live to such an extreme a^e ?" to which the clergyman replied, '• X suppose the patriarchs took no physic."

Seene — A Daily Newspaper Office — Editor. -Jinks, have you made a full report of the priz3 tight ? Jinks. — Yes, sir; every round is full. Editor.- Well, now write an editorial condemning the brutal sport. Make it strong, so as to tickle our pious readers. Jinks. — Why, Jones ■wrote that a week ago. Editor. — All right ! — we must suit all tastes in a respectable daily.

An inveterate stammerer, one day upon a journey, stopped to dine at a hotel. On attempting to help himself to pepper at the dinner, he found, after a violent shaking, th : «.t there was no pepper to be had. ]Ele turned round, and beckoning to the waiter, commenced :—": — " Wa-wa-wa-wa-.va-waiter ! this pep-pep-p«p-pep-pep-pep-,p-p-p-p*3pper-box is Bom-som-som-som- . something like me." ••Why so,,sir V said the waiter. " Po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-p-p-p-p-poor delivery ?" That pepper-box was soou. filled.