FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 135, 8 September 1870, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

A Paris lady is now mourning her eleventh husband.

Can yo\ing ladies who now lace so tightly be considered staid 1

Over forty ladies in Washington claim that they "refused to dance with Prince Arthur."

The three tilings most difficult are — to keep a secret, to forget an injury, and to make a good use of leisure.

The lowa School Commissioners have issued an edict, forbidding lady teachers kissing male pupils "if they are over 18 years old."

A practical Yankee being told that in the days of the Millenium the lion and the lamb -will lie down together, said " He expected the lamb would lie down inside the lion.

"I don't lmow what to do," exclaimed a perplexed husband; "my wife, if denied anything, is sure to have a fit." " Well, you can offset her fit with one of your own — in snch a case, counter-fitting is entirely justifiable.

One of Disraeli's admirers, in speaking about him to John Bright, said, "You ought to give him credit for what he has accomplished, as he is a self-made man." "I know he is," retorted Mr. Bright, " and he adores Ms maker."

A soldier, on his return from an Indian campaign, being asked by his friends what exploits he had done, said that he had cut off one of the enemy's legs ; and being told that it would have been more manly to out off his head, cooly replied, " Oh, that was cut off before."

In an action for a breach of promise of marriage, the defendant's counsel asked the plaintiff, " Did my client enter into a positive agreement to marry you ?" "Jvot exactly," she replied; "but he courted me a good deal, and he told my sister that he intended to marry into our family,"

A provincial paper, criticising a concert, says of one gentleman who attempted to sing: — "Absence of voice and unacquaintance with music are bad enough ; but -when to these is added a forgetfulness of words, the thing becomes almost unbearable." What a lively performance it must have been !

Frenchman : " Madame, you charge ver mooch too price for zat room." Landlady: "Oh, you know, we at the watering-places must make hay while the sun shines." Frenchman (indignantly) : "Madame, you shalt never make ze hay of me. You must not zink because all flesh is grass zat you can make hay of me."

An impudent literary amateur called upon an editor and asked permission to write the fine-art criticism and the theatrical critiques, as he was in want of something to do. "I am sorry to say that both departments are filled." responded the editor, "but if you really want something to do, you can clean Ihe office windows."

A man with one eye laid a wager with another of perfect vision that he (the oneeyed person) saw more than the other. The bet was decided in favour of the first, on the ground that he could see two eyes in the face of his antagonist, whereas the latter could see but one eye in the face of the first.

Miss Kate Field says that she met an old fellow in the Adiroondacks who seemed at the appearance of females in that locality, and amongst his first ejaculations declared that he must move further into the woods, as people were getting so thick abont there that he wouldn't be able to tell his own legs ivjthout chalking them,