FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 134, 1 September 1870, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

"When does a bell know it is going to ring ? — When its told. A man in Syracuse lately ate fifty lemons on a bet. He'll neither bet nor .eat lemons again. A man who was bought at a late notorious .election has just been sold by a horse dealer. '''I find myself in excellent spirits," as *he man said when he fell into a butt of .best brandy. It may be said that when a ship pitches .about at sea it is frequently to the risk .of the tars on board. How can you get more than one hun,dred cents for a dollar ? -By investing in a bottle of perfume. Which is the cleanest letter in the alphabet I—H,1 — H, because you will always find it in the midst of washing. When is a leg of mutton like vension ? — When it's dear. When is it like a modern poet ? — When it's Browning. Captain : " Let go that jib, there ! Darn your skin, let go that jib ?" Green hand : " I ain't touching it, sir." A Pennsvlvanian thus forbids poaching :—": — " Enne person treaden on these here premises ,or feer of being shot." An affected singer at a Dublin theatre was told by a wag in the gallery to " come out from behind his nose and sing his .song like other people." " Why do you call me Birdie, my dear ?" inquired a wife of her husband. " Hecause," was the reply, "you are always associated in my mind witii a bill " " Sambo , why am dat nigger down de hole ob de boat like a chicken in de ew?" " I gives urn up." li Cause he couid'c git out if it wasn't for the hatch." The papers report that Mrs Macher, who was " cut to pieces" with an axe by her husband, has so far recovered as to be able to carry his meals to "her assassin,' 5 who is in prison. Miss Pbooebe Cozzens says it is a man's duty to do housework, and especially to " wash the dishes " —and she proves it by quoting from the Scriptures :—": — " I will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish." I have herd a grate deal ced about ■" broken hartes,'' and thare may be a fu ov them, but mi experience is that nex tew the gizzard, the harte is the tuffest peace of meat in the whole critter, — Josh Billings. A young lady says :— " If the course of true love does never run smooth, why don't they water it, and roll it regularly so many hours a day, until they get the course so smooth that any donkey can run upon it ?" Spirit Wrappers — Bottles. The oldest revolver — The earth. "Pail Creatures— Dairymaids. "Down in the world — A miner. What should a clergyman preach ,about ? — About fifteen minutes. Lovers, like armies, get along very well until they are engaged. " Cure-all" for horses has been advertised under the name of " BTeurasthenipjponske lesterizo." Why is the letter " v" of more value than cream to a dairymaid ?— Because it makes better butter. j When you are told to " beware of the j big dog," does it not signify jbhat an &c-ciir-shun is recommended ? Why are your nose and chin always at variance ? Because words are continually passing between them. We have often heard of ships running into one another ; but the other day we actually saw a house fly. A " Great brute of a husband" is advertising in the paper for a strong, ablebodied man to hold his wife's tongue. Advice — The fact that nobody every takes it, don't deter some people from giving advice ; it is a piece of generosity of which they never tire. The Least Evil. — A man was asked why he married so little a wife. — " Why,' said he, " I thought that of all evils we' should choose the hast." Down Hill. — A queer humorist, who hag had a hard time of it, says, "When a man begins to go down hill he finds everything greased for the occasion." To Smokers. — "You look," said a friend to a pale haggard smoker, ft as if you had got out of your grave to light your cigar, and could'nt find your way back again." Without Notes. — A city missionary was asked the cause of his poverty. " Principally," said he, with a twinkle of the eye, "because I have preached so long without notes." Sharp Penetration. — "You don't love me — I know you don't," said a young married lady to her husband.— "l give you credit, my dear, for keen penetration," ■was his consoling reply. Future Torments of Authors — .An ancient Spanish writer asserts that one of the severest torments of authors in a future state is to be compelled to read their own compositions to an audience of demons. Spread of Education. —A correspondent sends the following, which he saw in a shop window : " A bakers Patient Mangel for Sail, and 2 B Sold. Enquyre at number — , Street, Sumers Towne. A Pesided Bargen."