FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 131, 11 August 1870, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

Down in the World. — A miner. Waves that are harmless. — The waves of ladies' handkerchiefs.

What does a husband's promise about giving up tobacco generally end in? — Why in smoke.

Mrs. Partington very pertinently wants to know who was the husband of the mother-of-pearl.

A lady in Albany Bays she lives almost entfeely on hope, but she does like one good meal a, day as a foundation for hope to rest on.

A New York Church which lately tried the experiment of having the contribution boxes passed by handsome young women is now called the " Church of the Holy Copper Girls."

One of the beauties of the court of Frederick the Great said to the king, " Sire, how is it that you, who are so glorious already, still seek for new fame V v Madam," he replied, " for the same reason that you, although so beautiful, wear roiige."

A strange story of the ability of an Irishman to represent a newspaper in Dublin is told by a correspondent. On one occasion, on being called upon to ■write a paragraph on the death of a respected townsman, Pat commenced,

" It is with, pleasure we regret to have to record the death," &c; and latter on,

" Our much respected townsman died in great agony, which gave Ms friends much satisfaction. As a railway train stepped at Hanna, a station in Indiana, lately, a brakesman

thrust his head inside the car door and loudly called " Hanna I" A young lady sitting next the door, probably endowed with the poetic appellation of Hannah, supposing that the brakesman was addressing her, and shocked with his familiarity on so short pn acquaintance, frowned and retorted, " Shut up !" — " Boston Advertiser." A servant girl who had just been admonished by her mistress to be careful in "washing up" the best tea things, was overheard, shortly afterwards, in the back kitchen, indulging in the following soliloquy, while in the act of wiping the sugar basin : — " If 1 was to drop this 'ere basin and was to catch it, I s'pose I shouldn't catch it ; but if I was to drop it and wasn't to catch it, I reckon I should just catch it." Both witty and sharp was that woman of Baltimore, who sent to her grocer these lines : — " Sir. Tuttle, this here thing has got too much hemp in it for molasses and not quite enough for a close line, so I beg you will exchange it for a purer article." A college professor encouraged Ms geology class to collect specimens, and one day they deposited a piece brick, streaked and stained, with their collections, thinking to impose upon the doctor. Taking up the specimens, the professor remarked : — " This is a piece of baryta from the Cheshire mines ;" holding up another :—: — " This is a piece of feldspar from the Portland quarries ; and tMs," coming to the brick, "is a piece of impudence from some member of this class." There is a story of an old hunter who came into Chicago one day, and after wandering about for a while, looking at the public buildings and other improvements, got into a chat with one of the inhabitants, in the course of which he mentioned that he had once had a chance to buy all the ground that the city was built upon for a pair of old boots. "And

why didn't you buy it?" "Well, I fc hadn't the boots jusfe then," was the old ~ man's calmreply. — "Baltimore American." The following is from a Pennsylvania paper : — "Miss ß. astonished the audience "by her high soprano voice. Her notes, like the 1000 dollar U.S. greenbacks, are of too high a denomination for common country currency, and suggested the probability that her music-teacher occupied the summit of Mont Blanc during her rehearsals, and was 'hard o' hearing.' She beats cats on high notes. There was no music or chest tone in her voice ; but it was six octaves above the screech of a lost Jndian/'