FACETIAE,

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 130, 4 August 1870, Page 7

FACETIAE,

Noah wasiprobably the first person who "went to sea for fear of being drowned.

Why is hanging at the Royal Academy •like kissing-?— Because it goes by favour.

" Well, wife, you cannot say I ever -contract bad habits." " No, sir ; you generally expand them." Horace Cook, ofSQieavenworth, ate three pounds of raisins on a bet. The money *was paid to Ms heirs. " Capital weather, Mr Jones — capital weather ; my wife's got such a bad cold she can't speak." " A warm welcome in the world to -come," is what one western editor wishes -an opposition quill driver. "I like to read epigrams against women," said Mrs Clever. " When a culprit clanks his chains, you know that <tfcey are on him." "C-c-can that p-p-pup-parrot t-ter-talk V asked a, stuttering man of a dealer. "If he could't talk better than you talk I'd chop his deuced head off."

A Tennessee, orator, eulogising Washington, exclaims, "His.mind had a powerful grasp of the future ; if ever a man was non compos yientis, Washington was. that rman."

A New York paper says that a labourer in an ice-house, down East, was killed by a large lump of ice falling on his head. Verdict of- the jury, " Died of hard drink."

A gentleman from the "rooral deestrick" lately went into one of our f ashion<able restaurants and asked for dinner. ' The waiter handed him the bill of fare, •wh.en lie " reckoned he'd rather eat before reading."

" Oh ! my dear child, why are you so wet V inquired an affectionate American mother of her son. " Why, ma, one of the boys said I daren't jump into the -creek, by jingo, I tell you I aiitt to be dared."

A Yankee editor remarked in a- polemi--cal article that though he would not call J£js opponent a liar, he must Bay that if 'thfe gentleman had intended to state what was utterly false, he had been temarkably -successful in his attempt.

A countryman, who had never paid more than 25c. to see an exhibition, went ■to a 2Tew York theatr-e one night to see " The Forty Thieves." The ticket-seller him Yso. •for -a. ticket. Passing the pasteboard back, he quietly remarked, '" Keep it, mister ! I don,t -want to see tfcheother thirty-nine,*'' and out he went.