FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 129, 28 July 1870, Page 7

FACETIAE.

"What key does the most harm? — Whiskey. Over forty ladies in Washington claim that they " refused to dance with Prince Arthur." In a game of cards a good deal depends on good playing, and good playing depends on a good deal. The three things most difficult are : to keep a secret, to forget an injury, and to make good use of leisure. Two Georgia darkies injudiciously tampered with a steam boiler the other day. They were picked up y in the next township. The lowa School Commissioners have issued an edict, forbidding lady teachers kissing male pupils "if they are over 18 years old." We summon a person of what race when we take leave of a friend ? — A- Jew. If he comes, what will be his object ? — To ,a&-monish. Seven hundred thousand pounds of tea have gone down near the Passage Islands. The inhabitants now sit on the shore and drink cold tea. Few men would attempt to dry dampened gunpowder in the kitchen stove. A man in Canada did. His afflicted family would be glad of any information as to hia whereabouts. A female pupil in a western seminary says she must close her letter, because "here comes a soph, who parts his hair in the middle, and wears a moustache that pricks dreadful." " No, Biddy," said Patrick to his wife, ■" you never catch a lie coming out of my mouth." " You may well say that," replied Biddy; "they fly out so fast that you can't catch 'em." Miss Fanny Joy has got married at Keokuk. She is said to be "a thing of beauty," but her action in the present .case demonstrates to a certainty that she .didn't wish to be a " Joy for ever." A celebrated lady once said of a censorious neighbour : " His mouth costs him nothing, for he always opens it at the ex,dese of others. I wish that some day lie would bite his tongue, for then he would poison himself. A young fellow once offered to kiss a "Friend," said she "thee must not do it." " Oh, by Jove ! but I must," said the youth. " Well, friend, as thee hast sworn, thee may do it, but thee must not make a practice of it." Occasionally when the train arrives at Middletown, a nice young man jumps off ,and kisses the best-looking girl at the depot, supposing it to be his sister. He .apologises so nicely that the girls are getting used to it, and they look for him regularly.—" American Paper." -" Boy, define the difference in meaning jbetween experimental philosophy and natural philosophy?" "Why, sir, experimental philosophy is our asking you to give us a half-holiday, and natural philosophy is your saying, 'Don't you 'wish you may get it V " The following advertisement appeared in an American paper : — " To-day, about pne o'clock in the afternoon, my dear wife, Catherine, bora at Elberling, was happily confined of two girls and a boy. Barely two months ago she had twins, making five children in one year." A reporter for one of the New York daily papers, in speaking of a young lady lecturer, says :—": — " Her floating skirts of whiteness and lightness, her tiny pinched waist, her pretty little white kidded feet, ler pink roses, her baby ends and her fizzles were not unpleasant to the eye." A young school lady teacher of Indianapolis was lately endeavouring to- impress upon her scholars the terrible effect of the punishment' of Nebuchadnezzer. She told them that for several years he ate grass like a cow. Just then a small boy asked, " Did he give milk ?" We are not informed whether the . teacher gave any further bovine information to the little boy. Josh Billings says it strains a man's philosophy the worst kind to laugh when he gets beat. All complain of the shortness of life, yet we all waste more than we use. Don't mistake arrogance for wisdom ; many people have thought they were wise when they were only windy. The man who kant git ahead without pulling others back is a very limited cuss. The principal difference between a luxury and a necessary is the price. Whenever the soul is in grief it is taking root. "Give the devil his due,-"* but be careful that there ain't much, duo to him. After a'man has ridden fast onst he never wants to go slow again. Those •families who are really fust-class never are afraid that they shall get cheated out of their respectability, while the codfish famiiiva ere always rervous lest they mitt- It yr<->n* d n to stir up a man twist) )v* b- ?vi-\hTi fpy m"" 1 thir/it v<il] a y: !■ c" tifls vV"j. tin- or pit. h rvirt^ Jt • zw. St. jffto t'sah v oevjl. *}iH he's a *'•"-. } a or, t"» rr < ?v rx - J