FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 128, 21 July 1870, Page 7

FACETIAE.

First Rough: <l We're agoin* to be edgicated now, c'mpulsory, or els© go. to the treadmill!" Second Rough: Ah! no vunder so many poor people's a emigratin' !" — " Punch". An indigent young man being curtly told by a crusty old miser, to whom he had applied for help, to seize the first thing he •could lay his hands upon, caught his adviser by the nose, and pulled it industriously. " Recollect, sir," said a tavern keeper to a gentleman, who was about leaving his -house without paying the reckoning, ••*' recollect, sir, if you lose your purse, you didn't pull it out here." The broad hint was taken. Whittier the American Quaker poet, being asked for an autograph the other tday, at once complied by penning — " The name is but a shadow, which we find Too often larger than the man behind. "sfOEN Gr, WhITTIEE." " As to being conflicted with the gout," .said Mrs Partington, " high living don't bring it on. It is incoherent in some families, and is handed down from, father to son. Mr Hammer, poor soul, who has been so long ill with it, disinherits it from <his wife's grandmother," What is that which is sometimes with a head, without a head, with a tail, and without a tail ? — A wig. Why is a horse half way through a turnpike-gate like a penny ? — Because there is a head on one jside and a tail on the other. A person once entering, the House of Commons when the Rump Parliament was .sitting, exclaimed, "These are goodly gentlemem ; I could work for them all my •days for nothing." What trade are you, my good friend V said one of the ajttendants. J " A-ropemaker, sir," replied the 'Other. Lawyer : How do you identify this handkerchief ? Witness : By its general appearance, and the fact that I have others like it. Counsel : That's no proof, for I have got one just like it in my pocket. Witness : I don't doubt that, for I had more- than one of the sama sort stolen. It is,«aid that the Pope advised Petrarch "to marry Laura, but that the poet refused because h.e feared that the familiarity of marriage would extinguish his passion. A blunt person, on leading this anecdote, observed, " There is a fool, who won't eat his dinner lest he should spoil his appetite." One day a stout, jolly-looking female mendicant entered a shop in Dublin, and asked the owner for charity. He shook his head and said, " I am not able to give you anything." 'The" woman, in quite a cheerful 'tone, promptly replied, " Thank you, sir, and may you long be in the same position." A Manchester -paper gives the following as a note of excuse sent to a schoolmaster in that neighbourhood, in explanation of a pupil's absence. "Kepotoam tullid "* kolls dunnut waellim cossis rigs sor ;" which may- be thus translated: — " Kept at home "to lade coals-; do not wale (beat) him, because hi 3 rig (back) is sore." A gentleman who had just returned from Arkansas heard the following conversation at a tavern : " Holloa, boy '" " Holloa, yourself !" " Can I get breakfast here?" "I don't reckon you can" "Why not?" " Massa's away mistress as drunk, the baby's got the measles, and T fion'ijcace.aiiarln for nobody."