FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 127, 14 July 1870, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

What river in England is closest to the Exe? The Wye, of course. How would you paint an absent-minded friend! In a brown study. Why are farmers like fowls? Because neither will get crops without industry. The woman who neglects the buttons of her husband's shirt front is not the wife vf his bosom. A Avoman in Chicago recently seized a man, and before he could secure assistance brutally married him. I have cleaned my mirror, and, fixing my eyes on it, I perceive so many defects in myself that I easily forgive those of others. "Wouldn't you like to be a woman when you grow up, Tommy?" "JSJo." " Why not ?" "Because women can't turn somersaults." A Pennsylvania farmer states that he cured his daughter of the Grecian bend by pouring water on her and holding her out in the sun until she warped back again. A western editor, in recommending a candidate, closes the li3t of his qualifications in this manner: — "During the rebellion he received wounds enough to kill any ordinary mule." " Mother," said a little boy the other day, " why are orphans the happiest children on earth?" " They are not — why do you ask ?" ' ' Because they have no mothers to whip them." One of the boya tell us of a scarecrow made by Uncle Ben. It not only scared off every crow that saw it, but one scrow was so frightened that he brought back -«»S«fe'^2^n which he had stolen three days " How is it," said a man to his neighbour, " that Parson W , the laziest man living, writes these interminable long sermons ?" " Why,'' says the other, "he probably gets to writing, and is to lazy to stop." " Come and dine with me, Pat, though remember I have only a piece of beef aud potatoes for you." " Oh, my dear fellow, don't make the laist apology about the dinner ; it's the very same I should have had at home, barrin' the beef." A constable in Kentucky, in publishing some personal property for sale, put up a notice with the following clause: — "I ■wyll xpos fr sail the 5 day 1866 uv Jan won lytle rone horse, or so much tharof as ma be nesary to satiafi seel gugmeut." The "Honourable Member" who was recently appointed a committee by the Legislature to inquire into his own condut has reported in part, and asks for power to send, for persons and papers. He says if he had known how much there was to do he never would have undertaken the .job. A Fifeshire man recently took his child to the minister to be baptised, who asked him :—": — " Are you prepared for so important and so solemn an occasion ?" " Prepared ! " he echoed, with some indignation ; " hae a firlot o' bannocks backin', twa hams, an' a gallon o' the best Hieland whisky, an' I wad just like to ken what better preparation ye could expeck frae a man in my condition o' life !" Clara : " Bella, dear, what do you think of young Sniggins, the fellow I have just been dancing »vith ?" Bella : " Well, to tell the truth, love, I think he's the most awfully stupid-looking creature I every saw." Clara : " Well, he'll have six hundred thousands when his father dies, and he's in dreadful health, " Bella : " What of that ? Well, now I come to notice him, he really does seem interesting. Introduce me, my dear — and, really, what lovely eyes he has ?" The following is a verbatim report of a conversation between two American young ladies who have just finished their education at a classical school : — " Were you at the picnic ?' "Yes, and we had a high old time of it." " I wanted to so bad, but mother was so hard-pushed I couldn't get off." " I was rigged, but I couldn't corner you anywhere in the woods. We had a bully time ; and you know I promised my gallant that he should have a sight at you." " Well, I'm sorry ; but you bet I'll put in my big licks at the fair." Didn't Care. — The following incident is said to have oqcurred in a Utica restauxant. A man recently entered the place and ordered a very elaborate dinner. He lingered long at the table, and finally wound up with a bottle of wine. Then lighting a cigar he had ordered, leisurely sauntered up to the counter, and said to the proprietor : " Very fine dinner, landlord: just charge it to me, I haven't got a cent. " ' ' But I don't know you," said the proprietor indignantly. "Of course you _d^lt. If you had,you wouldn't let me the dinner." " Pay me for the dinner, I say!" "And I say I cant,' " I'll see about that," said the proprietor, who snatched a revolver out of a drawer, leaped over the counter, and collared the man exclaiming, as lie pointed it at his head: — " Now, see if you'll get away with that dinner without paying for it, you scoundrel!" " What is that you hold in your hand?" said the impecunious customer, drawing back. " That, sir, is a revolver, sir." " Oh, that's a revolver, is it ? I don't care a for a revolver, I thought it was a stomach pump !" The ilandlord wilted.