FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 125, 30 June 1870, Page 7

FACETIAE.

A wit being requested to say a good tiling, laconically responded, "Oysters." A laconic conversation : " What ails your eye, Joe ? " " I told a man lie lied." A man excused himself for marrying by aaying that his friends said he drunk too much for a single man. A woman in Chicago recently seized a man, anrl, before lie could secure assistance, brutally married him. It i 3 common to speak of those whom a flirt lias jilted as her victims. This is a grave error. Her real victim, is the man whom she accepts. " John, I wish, it was as much the fashion to trade wives as it is to trade horses. " " Wiry so, Peter 1 " " I'd cheat somebody shocking bad before night." "Will you marry me, Miss?" "Sir, you know very well I have often declared 1 would never marry." "Oh, yes ; if I hadn't known it . I shouldn't have asked you." A Missouri gentleman carries about with him a memento of a lost brother in the shape of a cane cut from the tree on which that relative was hanged for horsestealing. The editor of the Western (Missouri) " Landmark "' asks his readers to excuse the looks of his paper, as he is in bed from tlie effects uf a fight with a delinquent subscriber. A Western editor, speaking of a rogue who lives in his vicinity, says :—": — " The yascal lias broken every bank and gaol and Sabbath we have had in this country for tlie Itwt five years." A giddy student, having got his skull fractured, was told by the doctor that the brain was visible ; to whicli he remarked, "Do write to tell father, for he always said I had none." Complaints of the dulness of business are almost always in order, but when a Connecticut man grumbles because of the dulness of the business of manufacturing coffin trimings, he runs the thing into tlie -ground. A man called another an extortioner because of sueing him. " Why, my friend," replied the man who had brought the suit, " I did it to oblige you." "To oblige me, indeed. -how so?" "Why, to oblige you to pay me." A peaceful disposition is not absolute protection against the turmoils of life. What's more peaceful than a clam 1 And yet, ten to cne, it ends its life in a broil. And then how peaceable an oyster is 1 ? And yet how frequently ifc gets mixed up in a stew. A countryman who had been on a visit to London, on returning home reraa.rked that he never saw so many trees in his life as ho saw in Piccadily. This led to a dispute and a bet, when the countryman being called upon to name the trees he saw, replied, "Axle-trees." A Frenchman stopping at a tavern, asked for Jacob. " There is no such person here," said the landlord. "'Tis not a person I want, save, but the beer warmed with de poker." " Well," answered mine host, " that is flip." " All, yes, sare, you are in de right ; I mean Phillip." When you say in a phrase which is now quite common, sucli and such a man is a " bvick," do you think of, or do you know tlie origin of it ? It is this : An Eastern prince, on being asked, " Where are the fortifications of your city 1 " replied, pointing to his soldiers, " Every man you see is a brick." A nobleman observing a person, eminent for his philosophical talents, intent upon choosing delicacies at table, said to him, "What! do you philosophers love •dainties V " Why not ? " returned the other. "Do you think, my lord, that the good things of this world were made for blockheads ? " Tlie dog constable at Dudley (Massachussetts) means business. His proclamation reads as follows :-r-" By virtue of a warrant to me directed, dog-days will commence July 10, when all owners of dogs not licensed, resident of Dudley, will do well to call at the Town Clerk's office, as there will be a howling in tlie dog family after that date." As an example of American laudation, we take the following from a Louisville paper :— " When Miss Howson first appeared, her bright eyes and lovely face j attracted everybody. But when her beautiful pearly teeth, were disclosed, there came sucli a cataract of diamonddrops of melody that the house seemed, as it were, deluged in a spray of harmonyequal to that which one might imagine I would come from a Niagara composed of ; JSolian harps ! " A Texas woman so aggravated he* husband that he fied to the wilderness. He j then turned up in Galveston, where he | wrote the following letter : — "My Lovin Wyfe — Ime comin ome nex week an have forgive you for jawin me. File come on the 7 o'clock trane and shall stay orae herearter and tri to be a altered man. I want peace and bo do yew, why; shouldn't we love each other, as we used ter when ■we were first jined together in the holy -bands of rn.adi.ock. I've jined a tempe--rence sosiety, but if ye ever jaw me agin : for comin ome I'll wallup you like 6ty, *forwe must have. pease, »s Grant see."