FACETIE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 124, 23 June 1870, Page 7

FACETIE.

Love is of the nature of the burningglass, which, kept still in one place, fireth ; changed often, doeth nothing. " I am surprised, my dear, that I have never seen you blush." " The fact is, husband, I was born to blush unseen." Somebody says, in allusion to corporal punishment, that the pupil most to be pitied is the pupil of the eye, because it is always under tlie lash. It is claimed that the philosopher Thales was a milkman, because he befievdd water to be the first principle of all things. A California paper says the Japanese *' will win universal respect by a sort of heathenish habit they have of minding their own business." Jersey City is about to be made a port of entry. Ned Wilkins nsed to describe it as "a place where people go to see other people off to Europe"." A prisoner was examined in court, and contradicted himself. " Why do you lie so?" asked the judge. " Haven't you a lawyer !" "My opponent, Mr Chairman, persists in saying that he is entitled to the floor. "Whether this is so or not I shall not inquire. All I have got to say is that he "will get floored if he interrupts me again." A fashionable lady's maid, who endeavours to rival her raistres in the style of her garments, wrote an order to the perfumer the other day, and requested hhil to forward a case of " O Dick alone." A good-natured traveller fell asleep in a train a short time ago, and was carried a few miles beyond his destination. " Pretty good joke, this, isn't it?" said he to a fellow-passenger. " Yea, a little too far-fetched." A letter is going the rounds of the Vermant post-offices in search of " the man who has the Thurrow bread Dearum cattle — lam not seartin of the rite enitiouls of his name." A Californian justice lately sentenced a starving girl to pay a fine of 25 cente for stealing a can of "milk, and tempered justice with mercy by raising a 20 dols. subscription for her. An Irish counsel being questioned by a judge to know "for whom he was concerned," replied as follows: "I am concerned, my lord, for the plaintiff, but I am employed for the defendant." There i 3 a gentleman in JBangor who is absent-minded and meeting his son in the street a day or two since, he extended his hand, and inquired: "How do you do? When is your father coming home?" Force of Habit. — A tax gatherer was observed the other evening all alone in the corner moody, meditative, and frowning. His work was over for the day, but from force of habit (coming from being always in the receipt of custom) he was collecting himself.— "Punch." Dr. B , happening to get wet, was standing before the session-room fire to dry his clothes, and when his colleague -came in he asked him to preach for him, as he was very wet. "No, sir, I thank you," "was the prompt reply, "preach yourself, you will be dry enough in the pulpit." A Scotch nobleman, of no bright parts, •was asked by the Duchess of Devonshire how it happened that the Scots in general made a much better figure from home than in Scotland. "Oh ! » said he, " nothing is so easily accounted for. For the honour of the nation, persons are stationed at every egress, to see that none leave the country but men of ability." *'Then," answered the duchess, <c I suspect your lordship was smuggled."

The following letter was lately received "by a Newcastle clergyman, in acknowledgment of a certificate of marriage he had furnished. We print it verbatim et literaiim: — " Revd. Sir I Received the date of my marriage by you for which I feel ob] egged And I am happy to say that my Wife is turned out And been a good one But blees3 me Sir 7 6 pence when we where marred And 3 6 now to know the date is making hur Rarther an Expencif one. . I Remain, your obedient servant, H. 8."

The following story, made up for the American market, appears in a Philadelphia paper : — In the English Court of law, lately, a witness was called to attest to a person's insanity. " I know he's mad," Baid the witness, because the poor fellow imagines himself to be the prophet Jeremiah." "Do you consider that to be a proof of mental derangement?" aaked the examining counsel. ' ' I sho uld rather think so," confidently replied the witness, "seeing that I, myself, am the prophet Jeremiah."

One of the clergy of a large Scotch town laving been ruraliaing lately, was returning home from a day's piscatorial enjoyment) his rod across his shoulder,, when he met a youth with whom he was slightly acquainted, who happened to be carrying a bridle in his hand. The divine, thinking to be witty, even at the risk of being personal, pointed significantly to the bridle, and, with a shake of his head and a smile, remaked in passing, " A bridle for the ass ;" to which the young man, :nothing daunted, and pointed to the fishing-rod over clerical shoulder, instantaneously rejoined, " And a rod for ttheiooi'B back."