FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 123, 16 June 1870, Page 7

FACETIAE.

A philosopher says that if anything will make a woman swear, it is looking for her nightcap after the candle is out. " Madam, you said your son was a lawyer ; has he much practice ? " " Why, yes, sir, he has a great practice — of smoking cigars ! " " What are yon doing with my microscope, Jim?" "I've been shaving, father, and I want to see if there are any hairs in the lather." Take two letters from money and there will be but one left. We know a fellow ■who took money from two letters, and there wasn't anything left. A man out West, who offered bail for a friend, was asked by a judge if he had any encumbrance on his farm. " Oh, yes," said he, "my old woman." The "New York Sun" says:— "A young lady went to a photographic artist recently, and wished him to take her picture with an expression as if composing a poem."

In Vanderberg Co., 0., they have an .Indian preacher who, at the close of his > sermon, amuses the congregation by giving the "war whoop" and performing a if scalp dance." A large American grey eagle was brought into Sigourney. The editor of the "News" interviewed him. The result was one of bis claws well sent home in the left hand. The blood ran, and so did the editoi.

There is a Jewish maxim for success in

life, which is tacitly observed by many a Gentile husband . It runs thus : — ' 'Dress

yourself below your means ; dress your children according to your means ; dress your wife above your means." First City Man: "Just had a very

heavy loss, eh ? Sorry to hear it. How was it ? " Second ditto : " Why, I in-

sured my mother-in-law's life for two thousand — sent her to Scotland by rail - and, hang me, if she hasn't come back

again safe 1 " Hunting Parson : " Well, George, how d'ye like the new master 1 ? " Old-fashioned Huntsman : " Oh, he'll dv, sir ! Seems a very pleasant sort o' gen'l'man — the very fust time he was out he sward at me so comfortable as if 'ed a-know'd me all his day*.— "Fun."

A Berlin professor says : — " All children are born with blue eyes ; the darker hues come later." An Irish .editor says he does not know whether the professor is exactly right, but he has known people whose eyes got black some years after birth — about election time or " coining home from a wake."

An elderly and good-natured spinster, on being rallied as to her " single blessedness," declared, "I never yet have lost heart, because I have always kept in constant remembrance the fact that Naomi, the daughter of Enoch, was five hundred and eighty years old when she married."

Miss Julia Hubbard, the "transcribing clerk" of the Wisconsin Legislature, is young, handsome, and well educated. A bashful young member called her the

"transporting clerk " in his confusion the other day, and was immediately called to order by all the other unmarried mem-

The following rule 3 are provided by the trustees for the government of a school down South : — " No swearin, fitin, quarrelin, nicknamin, goin inter the water, reslin and jutnpin, pincbin, stickin of pins inter each other, pullin of hair during books, courtin in school, writin of love letters in school, cracking of walnuts (unless dried), whisperin. Those rules must be observed, for a violition of those rules will be punished with the lash, accordin to the verdic of the trusties."

An old and weather-worn trapper was • recently seen sauntering along the main street of one of our western villages. Pausing in front of a meeting-house for a moment, he went in and took his seat among the congregation. The preacher •was discoursing on the text of "the sheep and the wolves," and had evidently been drawing a contrast between the two subjects. Says he: — "We who assemble here from week to week, and do our duty, and perform our part, are the sheep ; now, ■who are the wolves 1" A pause, and our friend the trapper rose to his feet : — v "Wa'al, stranger, rather than see the play stopped, I will be the wolves I "