WHISKY AND WATER.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 122, 9 June 1870, Page 3

WHISKY AND WATER.

Sir, — The following from the " Quebec Chronicle." We think it too good to have only a Colonial circulation, will you give it a place in your Sound Table — it may amuse as well as point a moral — Tours, Auquis. A quantity of whisky was destroyed in Cincinatti the other day, by throwing it into Deer Creek, from whence it found its way into the city hydrants. The effect is thus described by the Fat Contributor.

The demoralisation which has resulted to this community from the mingling of that Deer Creek whisky with the hydrant water is almost beyond calculation. It was not known for some time why a boozy atmosphere seemed to edge us all about. Men who never drank liquor in their lives knowingly, went home for several days in succession so bloated that they were hardly to be recognised, although they assured their weeping wives as they helped them off to bed — " Hadn't touched (hie) drop to-day, ma'am — hop'r die'f have." Then waking up in the morning with throbbing temples and bewildered brain, they tried in vain to recall any occasion on the previous day, when they had wandered away from the established principles of a life-time and taken to the bowl — "what drugs, what charms, what conjurations, and what almighty magic had got them on a bum?"

One aged and highly respectable citizen, who never tasted liquor in his life, and could consequently belong to a temperance society with impunity, was seen wending his way homeward the other day with his hat jammed down on the back of his head," and his face redolent and jolly, while he was singing : — " Lan'ord, fill'r flowin' bowl Foo'balls, foo' (hie) ball; Ol<i uncle Johnny's marchin' home."

His wife didn't faaow him at firsts as he entered the house, his coun<£aance was so changed, and then the ends of that white cravat, which she always tied herself every morning with so much care, were flying in the most outlandish manner about his left ear ; his clothes were disordered and soiled, and that hat ! — she had never seen such a sight in all her born or married days. He pulled it off, swung it widely round his head with a " whoopee !" and then shied it with scientific exactness upon the bust of Douglas, giving a horribly grotesque leer to that late distinguished statesman, as it dropped over his left eye. He offered to beft two dollars and a half that " he knew who he was, and could whip any man that wasn't ;" then looking round upon bis weeping family with a slight gleam of returning reason, he yelled — <{ Oh, I'm a wreck," and burst into tears, besought the oldest girl to bring in a gutter for him to " wallow " in. He felt that he must wallow.

He was lugged up stairs to bed, insanely shouting, " Gutters for one." It fortunately came out in the papers the next day, it would have appeared before, but the editors, who it is well know imbibe extravagant quantities of water, were incapacitated from work themselves, that great quantities of whisky had become mingled with the hydrant water. It had floated down Deer Creek from' a burning distillery, to the river, where the city have the most complete and effective arrangement possible for stopping anything of a damnable order that finds its way down the creek, and pumping it into the reservoir.

The excellent old gentleman above alluded to had determined to put an end to his worthless existence, when he came to a full realization of what he had done, but looking over a morning paper to see if it was going to be a good day for suicides, any how he read about the Deer Creek whisky. That explained the whole business at once, and gave him a renewal of life. He danced wildly around the room : embraced his family with the most ecstatic joy, and invited them to join with him in a glass of water all round.

Since it has become generally known that there is whisky in the hydrant water, there has been a wonderful increase in water drinking. People drink it now who have not tasted it before for years. They get up in the night to drftik it. At bars they call for "Deer Creek straight." The water works hnve been compelled to keep all their engines at work pumping • day and night to supply the de* mand. The old play says "wine works wonders," but it has recently been. demonstrated that water works wonders also. Ask the water works if it don't. Men have been found filling their flasks with it to take on a journey.

The effect upon the female portion of the community was scarcely less terrible than among the mer. What do you think of a company of nice old ladies getting hilarious at a tea party — the dear innocent creatures unconsciously putting themselves outside of a glass of hot whisky at every cup. The hostess glows rubicund, hospitable, and presses her guests to "try just another cup," which they can't refuse, "it is such b-e-a-u-tiful tea, where did you get it ? Is it the Long Arm Chop ?"

One old lady remarked that she hadn't tasted "such (hie) 'licious tea'n f-o-r-t-y years. Ha'fcup 'f please." Then as evening wore on they had toasts with their tea, and songs, keeping time with their tea cups, thumpingly on the tables. It was a jolly old. party. And then when the carriages came to take them home they sent word back to the " old man " that they " won't go home till morn'n," and finally wound up by smashing all the tea things. Terribb thing wasn't it? And the I dear old creatures not knowing that barrels on barrels of whisky had been pumped into the hydrants. Kitchen girls were great sufferers from the fumes of boiling water. Washerwoman all over the city bending over their washtubs, which were nothing less than great bowls of hot whisky punch, dropped down in a helpless state of intoxication, and had to be put to bed and dosed with velerian and asfaetida pills. Temperance folks are dismayed. A lodge of those worthy people attempted to hold their regular meeting the other night, not "having heard as yet of the Deer Creek calamity. The meeting was very nearly broken up in a row, each brother clamorously accusing some one else of coming there "in a state of hic-tpxieation." One influential member offered a resolution to " (hie) 'spell every one of us." It is a most unaccountable state of affairs, but they settled it at length by agreeing to forgive each other, if they wouldn't do it again. They initiated a new member, pledging him several times in bumpers of Deer Creek. He was finally moved to make a speech. Said he, " Gren'lemen I'm (hie) d'lighted. I'm haply dis (hie) p'inted. Eolks said-if-jin'd Sons could't have-no-fun. 'S lie ! Never 'njoyed 'self 's much in my (hie) life. G-en'lem'ns ,'s happiest day 'f-ever-'sperenced. I gave a-toast — here's ' co' (hie) wa'er an' death to King Alkali." The toast was drunk in goblets of water, standing, except in the case of some who could not stand any more, and who had retired.