FACETIE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue III, 26 May 1870, Page 7

FACETIE.

A literary friend was overheard the other evening requesting his landlady to put clean proof-sheets on his bed.

Wanted, a tall policeman, to be the comfort of an outlying and unprotected district. Cooks plentiful — food abundant !

"Are you in love, Mary?" "Yes, mother." "How much?" "Well, I don't know exactly, but I should think about five feet or thereabout, for I feel it all-overish."

Mrs Partington has been reading the health officer's weekly reports, and thinks "total" must be an awful malignant disease, since a3 many die of it as of all the rest put together.

Somebody told Jerrold that George Robins, the auctioneer, was dead ; " and of course," added the gentleman, " his business will go to the devil." "O, then, he'll get it again," said the wit.

Precocious pupil : " Please, Miss Jones, what is the meaning of suburbs ?" Governess (who is extensively crinolined): " The outskirts of a place, my dear." Pupil (seizing Miss J. by the dress) : " Then, Miss Jones, are these your suburbs ?"

"What would our wives say if they knew where we were?" said the captain of a schooner, when they were beating about in a thick fog, fearful of going on shore. "Humph! I shouldn't mind that," replied the mate, "if we only knew where we were ourselves." Dr Johnson, Mrs Thrale, and two other ladies once formed a party at whist, and amused themselves in play for a considerable portion* of the evening. At the conclusion Mrs Thrale asked the Doctor if he had lost anything " Only my time, madam," replied the moralist. Seene — An American schoolroom. Lady teacher, addressing one of the boys: " Willie, do you study very hard?" Willie: " I don't hurt myself very much!" " But do you know you will never be President unless you study hard at something?" "You get out! ain't I learning to smoke as hard as I can ?" A toll-gate keeper in England was brought before a magistrate for cruelty to his daughter. The little difficulty arose from a discovery made by the parent that the girl, who was frequently left in charge of the gate, used to a allow her sweetheart a young butcher, to drive his waggon through free. She never "tolled" her love. If you should ever meet with an accident at table, endeavour to be composed. A gentleman carving a tough goose had the misfortune to send it entirely out of the dish into the lap of a young lady who sat next to him, on which he looked her full in the face, and said, with the utmost coolness, "Madame, I will thank you for that goose !" The following is the copy of a will left by a man who chose to be his own lawyer: — " This is the last will and testament of me, John Thomas. I give all my things to my relations, to be divided among them the best way they can. N.B. If any body kicks up a row, or makes any fuss about it, he isn't to have anything. Signed by me, John Thomas." The following is an example of a scrupulously honest testimonial :—"I: — "I have known Mr Jones for several years. I consider him eminently qualified for every post he seeks. His habits are convivial, if not regular. He possesses a fine voice. His taste in liquors is remarkable. He plays whist with singular steadiness. He knows as much about everything as most men. He is sometimes sober, and occasionally industrious."

The Eev. Newman Hall, in his work "Liverpool to St Louis," quotes some remarks made by native observers of the Falls of Niagara:— "We find Nature here," says one of them, " expressing herself in bold and beautiful antithesis ; the Titanic strength and majesty of the cataract, and the soft grovy tendrils that bathe their verdure in its spray; the wild distracted, maniac surge, and the delicate rainbow shivering in its embrace; the whirlwind roar of falling floods, and the braided lullaby of lapsing streams." And perhaps the impression is best given by the remarks of an intelligent visitor: "Well, I guess this is about the handsomest thing in all God's civilized universe."

Judge Dowling, of New York, loves, it seems, a practical joke. Tn a case of wifebeating which recently oamg before him, the followings dialogues are reported :: — M How came your husband to meet you ?" "Underneath where we live there is a dance-house. 1 was told my husband was there, and 1 took a woman with me, and went and and looked in. My husband saw me, and soon came up to our own room, when he beat me and smashed" the furniture." "It was not a proper place for her to go," spoke up the husband. "It was a proper place for you, I suppose V " Any place is proper for men." Do you really think so ?"■ "Yes, sir." " Well, then, 1% send you to the peni'entiary for tfiree montlifl,'' •