FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 119, 19 May 1870, Page 7

FACETIAE.

Why is a man that has pulled on a pair of close-fitting boots like Jupiter ? Because he has overcome the Titans.

Five of the sweetest words in the English language begin with H. — Heart, Hope, Home, Happiness, and Heaven.

A little boy out West being asked if he knew where liars went, answered, " Yes — to New York, to write for the papers." "W^y is a negro with no hair on the top of his head like a candidate- for a club who has been rejected by its members ? — Because he's a black-bald individual. A yov&ig lady was told by a married lady that she had better precipitate herself <2?'\London bridge than marry. The young lady replied, " I would if I thought I could find a husband at the bottom."

A sharp old gentleman, travelling out West, got a seat beside his wife in a crowded car by requesting the young man who sat by her to "please watch, that woman while he went into another car, as she had fits."

An old mendicant, with bonnet in hand, made the beggar's appeal to a clergyman, who was well known to the supplicant. The minister put a piece of silver in his hand. " Thank ye, sir. O thank ye ! I'll gie ye an afternoon's hearing for this, ane o' thae days." Emily (little sister) : " What a large family the Spinsters must be ! I hear in church every Sunday that some of them are going to be married !" Frances (elder sister) : ' ' Oh, you little stupid ! Don't you know what spinsters are ? Bachelor ladies, of course." In speaking of a learned serjeant, who gave a confused, elaborate, and tedious explanation of some point of law, Curren observed, "That whenever the grave counsellor endeavoured to unfold a principle of law, he put him in mind of a fool whom he once saw struggling a whole day to open an oyster with a rolling pin." " What a terrible storm at sea there's been !" observed an Irish soldier, whose education had not enabled, liim to distinguish the bottom from the top of a newspaper. " Storm at sea V inquired Ms messmates, "where do you find that?" "In this newspaper, faith," replied the Irishman, "sure the ships are all upside down." A witness was produced who had a very red nose ; and one of the counsel, being desirous of putting him out of countenance, called out to him, after he was sworn, "Well, let's hear what you have to say witli your copper nose?" "Why, sir," said he, "by the oath I have taken I would not exchange my copper nose for your brazen face." A Yankee organ-builder has invented a new stop, which from the accounts in the American papers is something wonderful. One paper says : "It expresses the touching tenderness of the human heart, and the tremulous, pathetic tone of the violin. Its effect is indescribable and altogether irresistible. Indeed, the human heart and the nerves which remain unmoved under the influence of its ethereal tones must be composed of wood and leather."

In the spring of 1826, during the depression of business in Glasgow, a friend of Henderson of proverb celebrity, who had got married, advised Mr. H. to follow his example. "Na, na," said he, " saft's yer horn, my frien', as the man said when he took h&ud of an ass's lug, instead o' a cow's horn, in the dark. Single blessedness is the thing ; they hae a stout heart that wad marry in thae times. I can put on my hat, and thank my Jk&er that it covers my haill tota£fr