FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 116, 28 April 1870, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

" The Ohio," says a correspondent, "is a sickly stream." "Yes," replies an American paper, "it is confined to its bed." " Whenever," said Madame de Stael, "I see Mr. S., I feel the same pleasure that" I receive from looking at a fond couple ; he and his self-love live so happy together." On a tombstone in a churchyard in Ulster is the following epitaph : — "Erected to the memory of John Phillips, accidentally shot as a mark of affection by his brother." Those who are always talking of their fine feelings and sympathy -with distress have no feeling of any kind. Their sympathy is all gammon, and is employed as a cloak to cover the merest hardheartedness. resembles a pair of shears," sa^Plydney Smith, " so joined that they cannot be separated, often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing any one who comes between them." A young lady answers, to the question of ' ' What is a Man 1 "A thing to -waltz with, a thing to flirt with, to take one to places of amusement, to laugh at, to be r^ifried to, to pay one's bills, to keep one comfortable." Not far from the truth either. " If you pleas 6, sir," said Professor Puzzle's housemaid, "the trap won't catch no mice." " Why, Mary," pronounced the Professor, after grave examination of the machine, "it is-hors de combat!" "Oh," said Mary, "is that all? I thought it was broke." The passion of self-conceit flourishes more vigorously in small than in large towns. In the latter it is checked by people having more opportunities of comparing their own merits and consequence with those of others, and thus estimating both by a severer standard. One of Bishop Bloomfield's best bon mots was uttered during his late illness. He inquired what had been the subject of his two archdeacon's charges, and was told that one was on the art of making sermons, and the other on churchyards. " Oh, I see," said the bishop, " composition and decomposition." All the kitchen girls in a certain French city recently struck for higher wages, less labour, and the privilege of having the company of their beau in the kitchen. The mistress granted the last-named demand, which so thoroughly satisfied the girls that they resumed duty without troubling about more pay or lighter tasks. The phrase of Coleridge's, " a psychological curiosity," has done a great deal of mischief. If any metaphysical proposition is started and cannot instantly be unriddled, people, instead of, as in days of old, pommelling their brains to solve it, get otit of the difficulty at once by declaring, with imperturbable gravity, that it is a, psychological curiosity. Sir Edward Watkin, when candidate for East Cheshire, in the course of a speech said he met a friend who canvassed a voter. This man said, "lam a Liberal, if lam anything. In religion I think lam a Churchman, if I am anything ; but the fact is, 1 paint Egerton's gates, and as you have not so many gates to paint as Egerton, I think I shall vote for the Tories." Eliza Emery, of New York, warn 3 all the girls in the south and west to look out for her gay, deceiving, runaway hus- ! band, David. She says that he has cruelly left her, and told the folks when 'he started that he was going south-west to preach teetotalism. Eliza thinks he may easily be known, and, to prove it Bays, "David has a scar on his noss, where I scratched it !" — American Paper. When George the Third was once returning with his queen from Egham Races, a remarkably fine child attracted his notice. " Whose son are you, boy, eh 1" inquired his majesty. "My father Is one of the king's beef-eaters," replied little fellow, " Indeed ! (exclaimed the monarch), then down on your knees, bit, and you shall kiss the queen's hand," " No, but I won't though :" replied the lad, " because it would dirty my new