FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 115, 21 April 1870, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

Pickpockets dis-purse a crowd. A Legal Conveyance. — The police van. A Roamin' Catholic — Father Hyacinthe.

Words that burn — Rejected communications.

A Hackneyed Saying. —Hi ! cab !—- " Tomahawk." Good Places for Match-making. — Sulphur springs.

Advice to a toper— Hont let your spirits go down.

How to make a tall man " short "— r Try to borrow from him.

Why are women extravagant on clothes ? Because when they buy a new dress they wear it out on the first day. Why are the cobblers eligible for medical diplomas ? Because they are all skilled in the art of heeling. What an absorbing passion is gambling ! A man told us the other day that he had been tossing in his bed all night. Persons whose countenances are lighted up by a habitual smile are, generally speaking, bad tempered and hypocritical. A young lady being asked whether she would wear a wig when her hair turned grey, replied with great earnestness, "Oh, no ; I'll dye first !"

Collisions four or five she bore; the signals were in vain ; grown old and rusted, her boiler busted, and smashed the excursion train. — An engine's epitaph.

"Ephrajm, this baby's legs are monstrous fat, aint they? What temperament do you think the child has?" " Rather heavy, Simon— decidedly of the limb-fatic."

iWlergyman told an Indian he should lov" jf^is enemies. "Me do love 'em," replied" the latter. " What enemies do you love most V " Rum and brandy."

A deaf and dumb person being apked to give his idea of forgiveness, took a pencil and wrote : "It is the sweetness which flowers yield when trampled upon."

A woman purchased a quart of milk, aad got a small fish swimming in.it. The milkman innocently said he supposed the cow must have swallowed the fisli.

"When a Dutch maid-servant wishes to go to a dance, and has no swain of her own, she hires a cavalier for the occasion. .A beau with an umbrella receives double pay.

Remarkable hens out west. In Janesville, Ohio, they have one that lays three eggs a day, and another that furnishes eggs so large that she has to stand up while laying them.

Mark Twain thinks that soda water is not reliable, for a, steady drink. It is, too gassy. The next morning, after drinking thirty-eight bottles, he found himself full of gas, and as tight as a balloon. He hadn't an article of clothing that he could wear except his umbrella.

The editor of a Columbia (Mississippi) paper having recently got married,, a contemporary says : — '' May his father-in-law die rich, and enable poor Stevens to retire from the printing business, aud set up a cake shop at a railway station."

"Go away," said Pat Muggins, *- c you can't stuff such nonsence in me. Six feet in his hoots ! Yerra, no man as lives stands more nor twoieet in his boots, and no use talking about it. Might as well tell me the man had six heads in his hat !"

A farm was lately advertised, in, which all the beauty of the situation, fertility of the soil, and salubrity of the air, were detailed in the richest glow of rural description, which advantages were further enhanced with this N.B. — " There is not a lawyer within fifteen, miles of the neighborhood,"

Sic Frederic Adapa, spoke with- a strong Scotch accent. One day,, when inspecting a regiment, he noticed that the tuft of a soldier's shako was missing. The man was an Irishman, and a bit of a humourist. "Where's your feyther (feather), my monf 5 asked Sir Frederic. "He's in Ireland^ your honour," was the prompt reply.

A Funny Comic Song. — The latest comic song, says the " Orchestra,"" has the unusual feature of fiuminesa in idea. The chorus runs thus :—: — " I saw Esau Ms9ing Kate, And the fact is we all three saw j For I saw Esau, he saw me, And she saw I saw Esau."

Some music- teacher once wrote that "the art of playing. a violin requires the nicest perceptions and the most sensibility of any art in the known world." Upon which an American editor thus comments : — "The art of publishing a newspaper, and making it pay, and at the same time making it please everybody, beats iiddlin' higher than a kite."

4d a printer's festival held in Lowell, Mass., the following toast was presented : — -" Tijie Printer, the master of all trades, -fee. beats the farmer with, the Hoe, the carpenter with his rules, and the mason with- setting up. tali columns ;- he sur-. passes the lawyer aact doctor- in attending fro his cases, and beats the parson in the jO?&na^ement of $he ' 4evilf' J;