FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 114, 14 April 1870, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

A coloured gentleman in Texas went into a blacksmith's shop with his coat tail full of powder. He came oiit through the roof.

Judy's dressmaker horrified her the other day by telling her she would " cut her body out " in the course of the afternoon. Four bachelors bought a pew together at fcj^jtthodist church at Westf ord, Vt. , tht otrner day, to be used by them until one gets married, when the; oilier three are to leave the pew in his possession.

Apropos of the icy weather : — "The slippery pavements were very trying 'to all classes. Acrobats tumbled for nothing ; bankers lost their balance ; farmers grazed their shin 3 ; soldiers embraced the flags ; tailors measured their length, and travellers tripped in all directions."

An Eastern editor says that a man in New York got himself into trouble by marrying two wives. A Western editor replies that a good many men had done the same thing by marrying one. A Northern editor says that quite a number of his acquaintances found trouble enough by barely promising to marry, without going any further. ' The woman who dared lives in Illinois. She worried a promise of marriage out of a Sunday evening caller, invited him to. a party a few days afterwards, showed him a marriage certificate containing his name, and, stroking him under the chin, said : "Now, Henry, you are going to fulfil your- engagement ?" Despite Henry*s excuses, h%w.as a married man in fifteen minutes.

" Bagging " a Million. — Rothschild was a man of imaginative positiveness, B[e foresaw that the fate of Europe hung on the battle of Waterloo, and took his measures to have intelligence of the result twenty-four hours in advance of the British nation. Jsrcarrier-pigeon brought him the eventful cypher. He untied the minute legend hid beneath its wing. He hastened to the stock exchange, and boldly purchasing consols when everybody thought him crazy, he "bagged" a million sterling next day.

A " Fashions " Customer. — At a period when hotels were fewer and less attractive in PeterheadT than they are now, a native of the sunny South, made a sojourn at the best one of the time. Before leaving, he called for his bill—a request that somewhat puzzled the worthy landlord, who was not in the habit of giving written bills, nor by any means an adept at caligraphy. The traveller, however, was to be puzzled in- return, ; for on glancing at the contents of "the bill when produced, he was fairly put to a stand by the following entry: — "3d for fash," " Fash !" exclaimed the indignant Cockney, "what is that? I never got any fash." "Ou, na, man," said the landlord, coolly, "but ye gi'ed some." Wanted an Easy Place. — The Rev. Henry Ward Beecher some time since recei^i a letter from a young man, who recommended himself very highly as being honest, and closed with the request " Get me an easy situation so that honesty may be rewarded." To which Mr. Beecher replied — "Don't be an author, if you would be 'easy.' Do not try the law. Avoid school-keeping. Keep out of the pulpit. Let alone all ships, stores, shops, and merchandise. Abhor politics. Keep away "froni lawyers. Don't practice medicine. Be not a farmer nor a mechanic ; neither a soldier nor a sailor. Don't study. Don't think. Don't w.orfc None of. these are easy. Oh, my honest friend, yoji are in a, very hard world. I know of but one real. ' easy ' place in it. That is the grave !"