FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 110, 17 March 1870, Page 7

FACETIAE.

Can a teacher who endeavours to plant the seeds of pride and vanii.y in th.c he^rt and mind of youth be called a haughtycultarist 1 Conundrum by a clergyman at a dinner party :-— " Why don't they build mills on the lower Mississippi 1 /" Answer: '<Dam it they can'c." A Yankee editor apologises for the lack of rhyme in his paper by saying that his marriage the week before tock all the poetry out of him. Smith deposes, " That yer kanfc judge a man bi his religion eny more than yer ken judge hiz shirt by the size of the kollar and ristbands." Mrs. Eva Lancester of Nova Soto, Texas, is now running three institutions herself — the " Nova Soto Hanger " newspaper, a millinery shop, and a cradle with a fresh incumbent. A couple of fellows who were pretfcy thoroughly soaked with band whisky, got into the gutter. After floundering about for a few minutes, one of them said, '•'Jim, let's go to another house; this hotel leaks." An eccentric banker was eyeing with suspicious vision a bill presented to him for discount. " You need not fear," said fcia palpitating customer, " one of the parties keeps his carriage." " Ah/ rejoined the banker, "I shall be glad if he keeps his feet." f> coloured gentlemen playing bilin Detroit quarrelled. One hit the a tremendous blow over the head With the butt end of a cue, which made the splinters fly, whereupon the assailed darkey paused to remark v-*- w Now, Sam, stop, and let's reason dis yere thing a little." A Teutonic philosopher was saluted by one of his friends, " How are you, Toot?" The philosopher stopped, posed his stick on the pavement, and replied, "Well, va.t J3J 3 the use of gomplainin' ? Yen I gomplain, beeple tinks I vants to porrow monish ; yen I don't gomplain, they tink I have monish to lend.*' A Texas newspaper contains the following advertisement :—": — " We want afc this office an intelligent ffeedboy, not under twelve years of age, to learn the incidents of the printer's business — chop wood, make fires, nursj the baby, roll at the press, &c. Good wages paid. None but moral youths need apply. No importance attached to religious qualifications." An honourable member of the American Congress on a recent occasion concluded his speech thus : — "What signify these hoarse mur.mui.-3 of discontent? What means this sullen reverbation of pent-up thunder? Whence proceeds this turbulence of subdued irritation.,, -solemn and sonorous as the voice of a distant cataract? To "what conclusion am I led by this vehement clashing of discordant elements — this ocean roar of a mighty nation, in its throes of agony and torrent of passion and of pride ? To the conclusion, Mr. Speaker — that T smell a rat ! 5> "Mr. Beecher's Private Habits" is the heading to an article which appeared in a recent number of the " Philadelphia Sunday Despatch." Under- the- head of " Moral Habits," the writer assures that "Mr. Beecher never swears; but if he did 1 he would throw into it an amount of pathos and energy, topped off and climaxed with a gorgeous pyrotechnic conflagration of filagree and fancy swearing that "would astonish and delight the hearer, and for ever after quiver through his bewildered memory an exquisite confusion of rainbows and mnaj.e-, and. thunder and lightning. A man of high order of intellect could sit and listen to Mr. Beecher swear for a week without getting tired." "Yotisee," said an old darkey, "dis parrot belonged to a baker in Richmond. Now, each baker is 'lowed to mak.e a. certain number of loaves of bread ebery day and no more, 'cause if dey do dey will be serving oub stale bread to de customers. Well, dis baker had baked more dan his usual share one day, an' hid the surplesum tinder de counter. De parrot was hanging in its cage, and seed it all . Bienib-y- in comes the inspector, and finds de bread all right, an' is goin' out agin satisfied, when de parrot cocks his eye at him and singa out, ' Dere's more bread under de counter. ! * So the inspector grabs it to law, and carries it off. Well 1 , den, de baker goes to de parrot, bery mad, and takes him by de head, and fotches him a twich or twe, and flings him in de gutter for dead, 'longside o£ a pig $ust dead with the measles. Bieniby de parrot begins to crawl about, his feathers sticking out and his head lopped- on one 9i.de, and den stops aud looks at the pig very pitiful, and ses :: — •* Did you say anything about de bread ? ' "