FACETIÆE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 109, 10 March 1870, Page 7

FACETIÆE.

A good way to find a woman out — Call when she isn't at home.

When may we presume that a man is hungry ? — When lie will devour books.

We are informed that the profits of a first-rata perfumer is exactly scent per scent.

A good matrimonial firm is said to be one that consists of three-quarters wife and one-quarter husband.

A mau -who bumps his head against that of his neighbour isn't apt to think that two heads are better than one.

A New York dentist claims to have recently extracted some of his own teeth after putting himself to sleep with chloroform.

A man down East lately invented a macliine by "which he can cook his own dinner by the smoke of his neighbour's chimney.

Josh Billings says: — "It is a statistikal fact that the wicked work harder tew get to hell than the righteous do tew reach heaven."

An Irish paper says :—": — " Dr. Hayes wished to go North again. No artic explorer is really happy until he has failed to come back.' 7

A wicked old bachelor thinks the trails of ladies' dresses infernal machines, from the fact that a blow-up took place immediately after he had put liis foot on one. Sunday School Teacher: " Why was Joseph put into the pit ? " Thomas (who goes to the theatre on week days) : "■ Because there was no room for him in the boxes."

A Minesota farmer says :—": — " We raise four hundred bushels of potatoes to the acre hore, which "would be a big thing if we didn't also raise bugs enough to eat them all up."

The ready manner in which, an American can adapt himself to any circumstances i 3 proverbial. " Bedad," said an Irishman, "if a Yankee was cast away on a barren and uninhabited island, he'd make a living by selling maps to the people. Jones (who has just stood a bottle of fineHArand of champagne) : " Well, old fello'jWiow do you like it ? That's something you can't always get in the North." Sandy (up for the Cattle Show) : " Verra true, Mister Jones, verra true — it's the best ginger-beer I ever tasted." Jones faints.

A Kentuckian recently stated at a temperance meeting in Louisville that he "Wasn't much on drink ; but," he added, "I allow that I've chewed nigh, onto a ton of tobacco, as nigh as I can calculate, during the last fifty years, and I begun to chew the weed when I was "even years old."

A Highland minister, being much disconcerted by the putting up of umbrellas here and there in a congregation which he was addressing in the open air, on the sudden appearance of a summer shower, shook lm head grimly, and fixing his eyes on the innovators, said, with dreadful solemnity, " Ah, ma freens, ma freens, there'll be na umbrellas in hell."

A French lady, returning from Havana, took with her to Paris a pretty little negro boy, for whom she very tenderly cared. One day Bamboula said to his mistress, " Papa told me when I was big I must kill you and carry him all your money. I'm going to kill you, but I shan't go back to Mm, for he would take all the money away." Bamboula is on his way home.

A Young Lady on the Bonnets of the Season : — *' O, the bonnets of my girlhood — the kind I wore at school ! I really thought them pretty : I must have been a fool. And yet I used to think myself in hats a jaunty miss — Perhaps I was as fashion went ; but what was that to this ? O, the lovely little pancake — the charming little mat ! Ib makes my head so level, and so very, very flat." An Italian prince, when he went on a journey, always took Ms cook with him. when rounding the abrupt angle of a rock, ■which was exceedingly periloi's, he heard the cry of a man, the snort of a mule, and the crash of some one falling over a precipice. The horror-stricken prince cried out, " The cook ! Is it the cook?" "No, your excellency," replied the attendant, "it. is Battista." "Ah, only the chaplain ! Heaven be praised ! "

Of His Way of Thinking.— "Lord L. made a point of strictly cross- questioning his domestics as to their religious and political faith before he engaged them. Whilst residing on his Irish estates, a groom presented himself to be hired, but resolving beforehand not to compromise himself by any inconsiderate replies. ' What are your opinions,' was the peer's .first demand. ' Indeed, then, your lordship's honour, I have just none, at all at all.' — 'Not any! Nonsense, you must have some, and I insist on knowing them.' — Why, then, your honour's glory, they are for all the world the same" as your lordship's/ — ' Then you can have- no objection to state them, and confess frankly what is your way of thinking.' — ' Och ! and is it my way of thinking you mane by my opinions ? Why, then, lam exactly of the same way of thinking as Pat Sulli van, your honour's gamekeeper, for says he to me as I was coming down stairs, "Murphy," says he, "I'm thinking you'll never be paying me that two-and-twenty shillings I lent you last Christmas was a twelvemonth." " Faith," says I, " Pat~ Sullivan, I'm quite of your way of thinking."'WHorace Smith,