SHREDS AND PATCHES. BY JUMBLE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 108, 5 March 1870, Page 7

SHREDS AND PATCHES. BY JUMBLE.

Every man can look back at the past events of his life and find some cause to be thankful — to bless his stars that something or other which, might have occurred, didn't. I dare say if I chose to wade through a tithe of the incongruous mass of events which mark my past career, from the time I pursued the honourable and independent vocation of crossing-SAveeper on the streets of London to the present time, I could find many causes for thankfulness ; but such feelings for all else sink into infinitesimally-microscopic littleness before the all-absorbing sense of gratitude Avhich wells up in my bosom at the thought that heaven never made me a Town Councillor. To become an M. P. C. would be to suffer all the horrors of bile, jaundice, and general misery, upon Avhich all the Cockle's pills in the southern hemisphere would have no more effect than a boiled parsnip avoulcl have on a block of Blue Spur cement ; but to alloAv myself to be elected a Town Councillor would be equivalent tofelo tie se. Why sane human- beings so eagerly aspire to Avhat appears to me to be an insufferable bore is a problem the solution of which I shall not attempt to arrive at. What is done at these Council meetings'? The Avhole business transacted at a night's sitting may be summed up thus : — Councillor No. 1 rises to move a resohition, and in the course of his remarks thereon he makes an assertion. Councillor No. 2 rises to a point of order. He considers that C. No. 1 was decidedly personal, and he trusts the Council Avill neither countenance such conduct nor approve of the motion, &c, <fee. Councillor No. 3 has no hesitation in saying that C. No. 1 has all along been an enemy to the interests of the ratepayers generally, and everybody else in particular. He was continually leading the Council into difficulties, and leaving them at the last moment to clear themselves as best they might. And so on, until poor No. 1, who has always been indefatigable as a public servant, is badgered into resigning on the spot ; and his aldermanic-proportioncd form is seen waddling from the room amid a volley of mingled laughter and groans. The Council accept his resignation, and impose a heavy fine on him, for having dared to resign his seat before his term of office was expired. But this is not all. The Council further resolve (in private, mind you) to devote the amount of the fine to a champagne supper, one of the Councillors agreeing to supply gingerbeer fco an unlimited extent gratis. But enough of this. lam not a Councillor, thank heaven ! Now, although I don't aspire to municipal honours, I shouldn't offer the least conceivable objection to being made a J.P., Warden, or' something in that Avay. In the position of either of these I should have nothing to bore me. I may be blissfully oblivious of all knoAvledge of law, may not know the signification of the words discretion and judgment, and may never have dreamt of the existence of a Lindley Murray ; but all this wouldn't matter a, fig, you knoAv. So long as I had laid in a good stock of bounce, which I could tincture, as occasion demanded, Avith a little superciliousness, arrogance, or any other such ingredient, I ixiiglit ait oil -tlie Bench, and mete out justice (or injustice, as it best suited me) till the end of time. Think how jolly it would be to have a trembling wretch brought before you charged Avith stealing the Deep Shaft. Fancy yourself putting on a beetle-browed froAvn of pomposity, and addressing the prisoner after this fashion :—": — " Now, felloAv, Avhat have you to say for yourself, eh ¥' " Your Worship, I " " Hold your tongue, sir ; if you presume to address the Bench again, sir, I'll commit you for — for — for breach of promise, sir. The verdict of the Court is that you be kept in solitary confinement for threequarters of an hour. Constable, remove the prisoner." Now you Avill admit that all this is simple enough. You Avill also observe that I am so thoroughly conversant Avith the duties pertaining to the office, that Avhen the time arrives for me to take my place in the ranks of the J.P.s of Otago, I shall experience no difficulty in acquiting myself with equal credit to myself and my adopted country. In the meantime, I can only munch my crust, sip my Black Horse, and patiently await the realization of my dreams.