FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 108, 5 March 1870, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

St ock-takia g. — Shop-lifting. The Best Seaweed. A cigar on the beach.—" Punch." To Kemove Stains from your Character. — Get rich. An angel's harp requires an angel's touch. Never chase a bullet that lias gone by you. Mrs. Partington says she is glad to hear that the Pope is going to hold an Economical Council, for people are so extravagant nowadays. A report readies us, at the moment of going to press, that within the last few hours a policeman has actually been found ■when vaunted, in a well-known suburban neighbourhood. The " Louisville Journal" thinks "it is no worse to get drunk on whiskey than on fanatical opposition to it." Scotch clergyman: "John, John, I'm tifraid. you're a great drinker." John : " Tes, sir, ye aye say that ; but ye never sjij a word about my great drooth." Industrious father : " Ah, you see, my boy, the early birds catch the early worm." Sleepy son : " And serves the early worm light for getting up so early." ThJ " Girl of the Period" in Arkansas is described as thirteen years old, shoeless, stockingless, bonnetless, and with the Sheriff after her for stealing a horse. A rich aristocrat, who was injured by being run over, exclaimed with warmth, " It isn't the accident that I mind ; that isn't the thing — but the idea of being run over by an old cart ; that's what makes me mad." An old lady gave this as her idea of a great man :—": — " One who is keerful of his clothes, don't drink spirits, kin read the Bible without spellin' the words, and eat a cold dinner on a Avash day without grumbling." The other Sunday an enthusiastic preacher concluded a long-winded sermon witli -these words :—": — " Will yon corae to Jesus ? if yon do not the devil will have you . That this may be your portion is my most earnest prayer." Fishmonger : " Now then, Sambo, Avhy are you talking to the fish ?" Sambo : " I ask 'em what it ware like at de bottom of de sea." Fishmonger : " Well, and what did they say." Sambo : " 'Em say em don't know, ifc is so long since they left it." Near Strasbourg, France, is a tavern whose signboard praises the quality of the wine and beer sold- within, and notifies customers that if, after having drunk twelve or more glasses, they are unable to walk, they will be sent home in a cab free of charge. A droll answer is 1 said to have been given lately in an examination at Cam- j bridge. The candidate being asked who Wycliffe was, and having doubtless heard him called the morning star of the Eeformation, and that he died Vicar of Lutterworth, answered that the great reformer "was for sometime editor of the "Morning Star," and died Vicar of Wakefi 3 1d." Never ask the age of an unmarried lady when she is past five-and-twenty. Never expose your poverty to a rich relation, if yon would have him treat you as a cousin. Never let it come to the ears of a rich and childless relative that you secretly pray for his sudden and premature dissolution. Never speak of the gallows to a man whose father or grandfather has been hanged ; nor of the corruption of office-holders to a Government defaulter. Never impose secrecy upon a man to whom you communicate anything in confidence ; he is sure to cell it to some friend, if you do. A Mail Delivery. — A young lady writing from Eamsgate says .' — "In the morning, my dear, we have a delivery of letters by post. In the afternoon, we have another delivery —the delivery of husbands, brothers, cousins, or beloved acquaintances, as the case may be, by the steam packet. In this manner, darling, we have a mail delivery twice a day. It would ill become me to say which one I like best." Bachelors. — The Bonian censors frequently imposed fines on unmarried men ; and men of full age were obliged to marry. The Spartan women at certain games laid hold of old bachelors, dragged them round their alters, and inflicted on them various marks of infamy and disgrace. After twenty-five years of age, a tax was laid upon bachelors in England, £12 10s for a duke, and for a common person, >one shilling, 7 William 111., 1695. Bachelors were subjected to a double tax on their male and female servants in 17.85,