FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 107, 26 February 1870, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

When is a good joke like a brokenwinded Jiorse 1 "When it's a " roarer." One had better be cheated agreeably than pass one's life in watching not to be cheated. "Why is a man who never makes a wager as bad as one who does 1 Because he's no better. A physician, with some little disregard for Lindley Murray, says that "patients " is a virtue." " Guilty or not guilty?" asked a Dutch judge. " Not guilty !" " Den, what do jou;want here 'I Go about youi pisiness." An old maid, spfaking of marriage, say* it is like an old disease — while there's life there's hope. A gentleman the other evening objected to playing cards with a lady, because, he eaid, she had such a " winning way " jabout her. "What do you propose to take for your cold ?" said .a lady to a snee;sing gentleman. " Oh, I'll sell it very cheap. I wont higgle about the price at all." An ambitions fellow in Connecticut appeals to " the mechannicks and labouring men of my native town. I wil repri2ent yoii in the Ptait assemblee irrespectif of pollytics, relijion, or eddicashun." A gentleman of Boston, who takes a business view of most things, when recently asked respecting a person of quite a poetic temperament, replied, " Oh, he is one of those men who have soarings After the innnite, and divings after the unfathomable, but who never pay cash." A Wise Precaution, — In a trial for murder the evidence was so palpably insufficient that the judge stopped the case, and directed the jnry to a verdict of not guiliy) A well-known lawyer, who desireJßJtawever, to do something for the feeß^hftd received for the defence, claroed the privilege of addressing the court. " We'll hear you with pleasure, Mr. By"B v " said the judge ; " but to present accidents, we will first acquit the i prison^." 1 _ AiiAmerican paper contains the followlingfedvertisement: — " Wants a situation, fcjflractical printer, who is competent to Rake charge of any department in a printting publishing house. Would accept a /professorship in any of the academies. Has no objection to teach ornamental painting and penmanship, geometry, trigonometry, and many other sciences. Is suited to act as pastor to a small evangelical church, or as a local preacher. He would have no objection to form a small but select class of interesting young ladies to instruct in the highest branches. To a dentist or a chiropodist he would be invaluable, as he can do almost anything. Would cheerfully accept a position as a bass or tenor singer in a choir. Would board with a family, if decidely pious. For further particulars inquire at Brown's Saloon." Dr. Batcliffe being in a tavern one evening, a gentleman entered in great haste, almost ■ speechless, exclaiming, " Doctor, my wife is at the point of death ; make haste, come with me." " I cannot until I have finished my bottle," replied the doctor. The man, who happened to be a fine athletic fellow., finding the entreaty to be useless, snatched up the doctor, hoisted him on" his back, and carried him out of the tavern-. The moment he set the doctor \ipon his legs, he received from him, in a very emphatic manner, the following threat : " Now, you rascal, I'll cure your wife in spite of you !" It is related by a veracious chronicler, that once upon a time an American farmer ■^sprinkled in his corn field some whiskeyBoaked kernals, with, a view of befuddling the crows that frequented it, and then shooting them. After a while he visited the place, gun on shoulder, and the veracious chronicler aforesaid deposes and says that he saw the following state of affairs existing in the aforementioned field : — A very large crow had collected all the whiskey-soaked corn, had built a bar with some clods 'of earth, and was selling this corn to the other crows, charging 'three kernals of ordinary for one kernel of prepared corn. And the farmer forebore shooting at them — because they acted so like human beirigs ! Ex-Governor Briggs, of Massachusetts, used to relate the following :— " In the old stage-coach days an Irishman was travelling in New England. Arriving late at the town where they were to spend the night, Pat discovered to his dismay, that the only chance for sleep was to share the couch of a coloured brother. The natural repugnance of his race made kirn loth to accept the situation, but, being very tired, he submitted with as good a grace as possible. In the night some mischievous boys blackened his face, m the morning fifteen miles were to be travelled before breakfast. Uur Celtic friend wa? awakened just in time to spring into the carriage as it was moving off. At their stopping places he foiiatl.no convenience for washing. Steppi ig up to a glass to arrange his hair, he started hack in horror, exclaiming, 'Be jabera, you've woke that dirty hagur, Mid. kit m A fifrfpw *ftii«y b^frnH )' "