FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 106, 19 February 1870, Page 7

FACETIAE.

To all Spiritualists. — Take notice !—! — The real medium for moving furniture — Jhe broker. A lowa editor declares that he " will not support for representative a member who is a whiskey barrel in the morning and a barrel of whiskey at night." A Curious Breed. — An Irishman, recommending a cow, said she would give good milk year after year without having calves, because it ran in the breed, as she came from a cow that never had a calf. A girl who had become tired of single blessedness, wrote thus to her swain :—: — "Dear Jim, cum rite off, if you are comin' at all. Edward Kildernian is insistin' that I shell hey him, and then how he hugs and kisses me so I can't hold out much longer." A handsome young bride was observed to be in deep reflection ou her wedding clay. One of the bridesmaids asked her the subject of her meditations. fi I was thinking," she replied, " which of my old beaux I should marry if I should become a widow." A Sunday School teacher was giving a lesson on Ruth. She wanted to bring out the kindness of Boaz in commanding the reapers to drop large handfulls of wheat. " Now, children," she said, 1 ' Boaz did another very nice thing for Ruth ; can you tell me what it was ?"

" Married her !"' said one of the boys.

Harrowing. — A farmer who had engaged a booby servant, sent him oat one

morning to harrow a piece of ground.

He had not worked long before nearly | s-thes -the teeth came out of the harrow Presently the farmer came out into the field, and asked how he liked harrowing. — " Oh," replied the booby, "it goes a bit smoother now sinoe the pegs are all out." A New Religious Test. — A clergyman went to an hotel to order a dinner for a number of clerical friends. " May I ask, sir," demanded the waiter gravely, " whether the party is High Church or Low Church?" "Now what on earth," cried the clergyman, "do my friends opinions matter to you?" "A great deal, sir," rejoined the waiter : " if High Church, I must provide more wine ; if Low Church, more wittles," " Now, children," said a Sunday-school superintendent, who had been talking to his scholars about good people and bad people, " when I am walking in the street, I speak to some persons I meet, and don't speak to others ; and what's the reason?" He expected the reply would be — " Because some are good, and others are bad ;" but to his discomfiture, the general shout was, " Because some are rich and others are poor,"

An honest rustic went into the shop of a Quaker to buy a hat, for which 15s. was demanded. He offered 12s. "As I live," said the Quaker, " I cannot afford to give it thee at that price." "As you live !" exclaimed the countryman, " then live more moderately, and be hanged to you." "Friend," said the Quaker, " thou shalt have the hat for nothing. I have sold hats for twenty years, and my trick was never found out till now."

Woman's Voice. — " The voice of woman, gentlemen," said a swaggering individual in an argument, " the voice of woman, no matter how much some of you may be inclined to sneer at the sentiment, exercises a soothing, an inspiring, a hallowing influence upon the ear of man ; comforts him in affliction, encourages him in dismay, and banishes from his mind all those troubles which, when she is absent, conspire to sink him into the depths of despondency." — " Tom ! you rascal ! " exclaimed his wife, at this instant bursting into the room, " come home, you loitering scamp, and leave the worthless fellows to themselves. Oh ! when I get you home, won't you catch it !" ' '■' The Kilt " at Idol Festivals in India. r— Speaking, in " Good Words," of an idol festival which he witnessed in Calcutta, Dr. Macleod states that one procession especially arrested his attention. "It consisted," he said, "of about eighty persons, all dressed with tartan kilt, hose, plaid, and bonnet, in imitation of Highland soldiers. >I could hardly believe my eyes,' as astonished people' say. My native guide and interpreter said he knew no other reason for this European costume having been adopted on such festal occasions than that the impression made upon the native fancy by the Highland regiments which they had seen on parade in Calcutta was peculiarly strong, and had been increased by what they had heard of $jeir brave deeds during the mutiny."