FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 104, 5 February 1870, Page 7

FACETIAE.

Fancy-Work. — Pugilism. Motto for Poachers.— Murdermostfowl. Is not the happy frame of mind made of eoleur-de- rose- wood ? The Spendthrift's Prayer.— '• Leave me a — lain, Avill you 1 " A. Play-wright. — Don Boucicault. A play wrong—" Formosa." A Hint for Life Insurance Companies. — Honesty is the best of policy. The Latest Thing Out. — The gas, when it is turned off, and everybody has gone to bed. Jones, I who has just had his pocket picked, says his purse is aloss he ne'er will see d — gain. Free (^nd easy) Translation. — In statu quo : W'n'at are you going to stand 1 " Tenure for life " is the cry in Ireland now r,i the tenant farmers. The landlords also desire a life tenure — wldch is determinate by the assassin. /f Echo.— A traveller inquired of a guide the reason why " echo " was always called a " she," and was informed that it was because it always has the last word. A Dish for an Empress. — At the dinner given by the Sultan to the French Empress, the n'rat dish in the list bore the significant title of " filets de boeuf a Regence." No Offence Meant. — Scene in a restaurant. — Customer : "Do you call that a veal cutlej, Waiter ? Why, it's an insult to every irue calf in the country ! " Waiter : "1 didn't mean to insult you sir! " A Thoughtful Father.— An Irishman remitting money to his son, wrote :—"ln: — "In this letter I send you £5 ; but for fear ye might spend the whole of it, I hope yell return half of it by the next post." Suggestive. — A poet was once walking with. Talleyrand in the street, and at the same tinie' reciting some of his own verses. Talleyrand perceived at a short distance a man yawning, and, pointing him out to hiß friend, said, " Not so loud — he hears

you ! " Not Vindictive. — A provincial editor fell on a slippery pavement the other day. He did not use " unparliamentary language," as some would have done ; but bit his lips, rubbetl down the bruises, and, •with a benevolent smile radiating his countenance, remarked, "We don't cherish any ill-will ; but for light and entertaining reading matter recommend us to the obituary notice of the man who ought to sweep this pavement." Mr. Belcher's Indiscretion, and What Came of It.— The Rev.. Henry "Ward Beecher is just now undergoing a peculiar experience. A few weeks ago he wrote to Robert Boner a private note, in which he confessed being guilty of coveting his neighbour's babies. The letter was published in the " New York Ledger," and the result has been that babies from all sections and various points of the compass are preferred to the covetous correspondent by dozens, so much so, that he writes to the " Ledger," crying, "Hold, enough !" He now says, in suitable language, that he does not propose to adopt children as'long a3 four remarkable grandchildren occupy his attention. A Ingenious Artifics. — It is told of a Barbadoes.physician and slaveholder that, having been robbed to a certain extent in bis sugar-vrorks, he discovered the thief by the following ingenious artifice. Having called his slaves together, he addressed them thus: — "My frhnds, the great serpent appeared to me during the night, and told me that, the person who stole my money should at this instant — this very instant — have a parrot's feather at the point of his nose." On this announcement the dishonest slave, anxious to find out if his guilt had declared itself, put his finger to Jus nose. " Man," cried the master instantly, " 'tis thou who hast robbed me<; the, great serpent has just $old me so." i