FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 103, 29 January 1870, Page 7

FACETIAE.

An old man got a seat beside his wife on a crowded car by requesting the youth who sat by her to " watch that woman closely, as she took fits." A numskull, sitting beside a sharp girl, Bsked her why she was like a tailor. "I don't know." Baid she, " unless it is because I am sitting beside a goose." There is this difference between happiness and -wisdom ; he that thinss himself the happiest man really is so ; but he that thinks himself the wisest is generally the biggest fool. A down east girl being bantered one day by come of her female friends in regard to her lover, who had the misfortune to have but one leg, replied " Pooh, I wouldn't have a man with two legs, they're too common !'' An English sailor kil.ed the wife of a Chinaman by accident, an event which gave him considerable uneasiness. The woman's husband hearing of the circumstance, came to the vessel, and, after some talk, offered to make it up with the man, compromising the affair for thirty dollars. The sailor was glad to escape so easily, and paid the money, ■when the Chinaman said, "It did not matter bo much, as she was an old wife, and he could get a new one for twenty-five dollars, which •would leave five dollars to buy rice." " I engaged," said a lawyer, " a chaise at Galway to conduct me some few miles into the country, and had not proceeded far when it pulled up at the foot of a hill, and the Irish driver, coming to the door, opened it. w What are you at, man ? This isn't where I ordered you to stop." ' ' Whist, your honour, ■whist !" said Paddy in an under tone ;I am only desaving the baste. I'll jist bang the door ; he'll think yer out, and then he'll cut up the hill like Old Sratch, see if he don't.'" Yankee Penny-a-Lining. — The New York papers are great in getting up long accounts of ordinary events. The following, cut from the account of the suicide, shows how they do if. : _« The horror of this tale will for a brief moment light up in men's eyes the vast expanse of social disease, and disquiet, and injustice, and seething dim rage which heaves around and beneath our splendid modern civilisation, even as a lightning flash reveals in the blackness of midnight the great wastes of some storm-shaken sea." Sir Boyle Roch'e,~the Irish member, was great in bulls, " I wish," Baid he, one day, when opposing an anti-ministerial motion, "I wish, Mr. Speaker, this motion at the bottom of the bottomless pit." At another time, in relatiou to English connection, he observed, " England, it must be allowed, is the mother country, and therefore, I advise them , (England and Ireland) to live in filial affection together, like sisters, as they are and ought to be." A question of smuggling 1 practices on the Shannon being under con- \ sideration— -" I would," said Sir Boyle, "have \ two frigates stationed on the opposite points of the mouth of the river, and there they should remain fixed, with strict orders not to «tir ; and so by cruising and cruising about, they would be able io intercept everything that should attempt to pass between them." '.During the war'a " contraband " came into title Federal lines, in- North Carolina, and was marched up to the officer of the day to give an account of himself, whereupon the following colloquy ensued :—": — " What's your name?" "My name's Sam." " What's your other name ?" " I hasn't got no other name, sah. Tse feam, dats all." " What's you? master's name ?" " I'se got no massa. Massa runned away, yah.! yah! I'se free nigger now." 41 Now, what's your father's and mother's name ?" " Fse got none, sah ; • never had none.! I'se jist Sam — aint nobody else." ■" Havn't you any brothers and sisters ?" " No, sah ! neber had none. No brudder, no aister, no fodder, no- mudder, no -massa — nothin' W Sam. . Wb.eQ.you see Sam, you. see all dpre is of us." _ Varied —r A clergyman while composing l a sermon, made 'use of the words, " ostentatious man."- Throwing down his pen, he \fished to. satisfy, himself before he proceeded! as to whether a great portion of his congregation might comprehend the meaning of these words, and he adopted the following niethod of proof. Ringing his bell, Tiis footmam appeared, and was addressed by his master.!" What do you concsive to be implied by an ostentatious man ?" "An ostentatious man!" said Thomas, "why, sir; I should say h perfect gentleman." "Very good,'' observed the vicar, "send Ellis, the coachman here." "Ellis," said the vicar, "what do yOtt\imagine_an ostentatious _man to be?" " An\ ostentatious^ man, sir?'' said Ellis, "why I should say. an.osteritatious.man meant, saviiiglyoun. presence, a very jolly fellow." It i* Hardly necessary' to add that the Ticar substituted a less ambiguous word. —"The Rock." \ »