FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 102, 22 January 1870, Page 7

FACETIAE.

•Why is the Gold Coast the best place to go to have your leg cut off? — Because you will find the knee-grows there.

A Scotch gentleman puts the postage - Btamp the wrong way upon his letters, and calls it with a tender feeling — turning a penny.

A card was hung out of a dirty little oyster shop in Sandusky City, Ohio, while the State Sabbath School Convention was in session in that place, which read — " Oisters in evry stile, cooked to order. Friends of the redemer will plese caul."

It is related of a certain minister of Maine, who was noted for his long sermons, with many divisions, that one day when ■he was advancing among teens, he reached at length a kind of resting-place in his discourse, when, pausing to take breath, he asked the question, " And what shall 1 say more ?" A voice from the congregation earnestly responded, " Say Amen !"

Business and Keligioh. — In a religious excitement in Boston, a person met a Christian neighbour who took him by the hand and said — " I have become a Christian." "I am glad of it," he replied, " suppose we now have a settlement of that little account between us. Pay me what thou owest." " No," said the new-born child, turning on his heel, "religion- is religion, and business is business."

"Doctor, what shall I do to keep from hurting my nose when asleep ?" asked a long nosed alderman of Ms physician, intending the answer to be a very funny one. " I think," gravely replied the doctor, " that you should have a few hinges made in it, so as^to fold it up like a two-foot rule when you go to bed." > Dr. Abernethy asked a student one day what he would do in case a man were blown up with gunpowder. " I should wait until he came down," was the cool reply. " And suppose I should kick you for your impertinence," eaid She angry surgeon, " what muscles would I put in motion ?" " The tensors and flexore of my right arm. sir !"

A gentleman asked a country clergyman for the use of his pulpit for a young divine, a relation of his. " I really do not know," said the clergyman, " how to refuse you ; but if the young man could preach better than I can, my csngfegation would be dissatisfied with me afterwards ; and if he should preach worse, I don't think he's fit to preach at all."

General Zaramba had a very long Polish name. The king having heard of it, asked him good-humouredly,, "Pray, Zaramba, what is your name?" The general immediately repeated the whole of his long name. "Why," said the King, "the devil himself never had such a long name." '*I should presume not, sire," said the general, "as he is no relation of mine."

A keen-witted merchant of Bermondsey, who liked his cupß, lately somewhat surprised his solicitous friends, by yielding to them and signing a temperance pledge. But to their horror they saw no change in his ways. They remonstrated, as in duty bound. He defended his honour, and to wipe off all stain , produced the document which he had signed, asserting tfiat it was invalid, as it was without a stamp.

"Are sißters Susan and Nancy resources, pa?" "No, my boy. Why did you ask that question?" "Because I heard Uncle John say .if you would only husband your resources you could get along a good deal better than you do. And I thought it wonld be a good idea, because you wouldn't have so* many young men here to supper every even-ing-*-that's all, pa !" /

Some Effects of Combustion.— lt is asserted that one hour after the gas of London is lighted the air is deoxidised as much as if £00,000 people had been added to its population. Daring the combustion of oil, tallow, e&y&c., water is produced as well as carbonic acid; in cold weather we see it condense on the 'windows. By the .burning of gas twenty-four hours in London, more water, it is estimated, is produced than would supply a «hip on' a voyage from England to Australia,