FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 101, 15 January 1870, Page 7

F A C ET I AE.

A Man of " Parts." — An actor. What is smaller than a mite's mouth ? It's tongue. " FyNe Kut 2 bak oh " is the sign on a store in Denver. " You'll put me out of temper," as the knife snid to the obstinate oyster. " What does your husband deal in, mann ?" " He deals cards chiefly, sir." With many women, going to church is little better than looking into a bonnet shop. One Tennessee editor says of another that his swearing ability is " forty-devil power." The "original press used by Benjamin Franklin " is snid to ba in 176 different American printing offices. Why was Martin Luther like a dyspeptic blackbird ? Because the Diet of Worms disagreed with him. An experienced old gentleman says all that is required for the enjoyment of love and sausages is confidence. Why do the birds feel depressed oai'ly in a 6ummer morning ? Because their little bills are all over dew. Teacher: "Who was David?" Boy: " The ton of Jesse." Teacher : " And who was Jesse?" Boy: "The flower of Dunblane." M. Duclaz, a French philosopher, published "A Treatise on Dissipating Storms." He thinks it will be read by all the niarriei men in Europe. Teacher : " Ah ! Caroline Jones, what do you think you would have been without your good father and mother?" Caroline : "I .suppose, mum, as I should ha' been a. horphan." Affectionate wife : " I say, dear, here's Billy Blank come again for dinner. What's to be done?" Husband: "He hates pork; tell him we've roast pig for dinner, and he's sure to hook it." Mrs. Smith, having lost her husband, tliinks that the best plan is to advertise, which she does after this fashion :—": — " Lo<t, strayed, or stolen, an individual whom I, in an urgent moment of loneliness, was thoughtless enough to adopt as my husband. He is a good-looking and feeble individual, knowing enough, however, to go in when it rains, unless some good-looking girl offers him her umbrella. Answers to the name of Jim. Was last seen in company with Julia Harris, walking up the back road, looking more a fool, if possible, than ever. Anybody who will catch the poor fellow, and bring him carefully back, so that I can chastise him for running away, will be asked to tea." A lady was recently obliged to dismiss her nurse on account of an excess of private soldiers too often repeated. After choosing as a successor to this criminal a very pretty girl, the lady explained why the first was sent away, and enjoined it on the second not to do likewise. She protested that she wouldn't. •' I can endure a great deal," said the lady, "but soldiers about the kitchen I won't endure." After a week or eight days, the lady coxae one moming into the kitchen, opened a cupboard, and discovered a youthful military character. "Oh, ma'am!" cried the frightened maid, " I give you my word I never saw that soldier before in all my life ; he must have been one of the old ones left behind by the other girl !" On a Sabbath afternoon, a 6hort time ago, the eloquent minister of the West Parish, in his closing prayer, referred to the long-pre- I Tailing drought, and earnes'ly besought the Pivine Griver of all to vouchsafe some season- • able and much-wished for ruin. Immediately rain began Io faty — the firs^ for many wccl.s — and for a short time it fell like a shower-bath.. Meantime tho church service having concluded, the congregation wa3 dismissed, and then came the scramble for umbrcllaß. One . lady, who had no umbrella with her, com- ! xuenced to gather the skirts of her gown over her head before quilling the church vestibule, at Ihe same time remarking to a neighbour, " Eh, wumman, isn't it too bad o' the minister ; ho might hae lotten us Uame firat." — "OreenoofcT<4figrapy» " \