FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 100, 8 January 1870, Page 7

FACETIÆ.

Oaths are the weapons a coward wields, the froth which tells the water's shallowness. A young lady who fainted at a " bare idea " was last seen covering up her naked eye. If the ants give an example of industry, it is much more than a good many uncles do. Chicago is in raptures with the weather, and Chicago papers say it " deserves the highest meed of praise." Go to strangers ior charity, acquaintances for advice, and relatives for nothing, and you will always have a supply. "Em Quad" and "Shooting Stick" are' the names of two rival base ball clubs, composed of printers, in Heading, Pa. In describing a new organ , a country editor says, " The swell died away in delicious suffocation, like one singing a sweet song under the bed clothes." A letter addressed as follows, was delivered at the Welsh Harp the other day :— " to The man That minds The piggies at ME. warnur welsh harpe heuden." In a Georgia mule case recently, thirtyeight witnesses were called to prove ownership, of whom twenty-one swore point blank on one side, and seventeen on the other. It is said that upon the headstones in a graveyard at Lacon, 111., is cut the image of a pet dog. Underneath the dog is this text : — " Of such is the kingdom of heaven." Josh Billings says there are but few sights in this life more sublime and pathetic than to see a poor but virtuous young man, full of Christian fortitude, struggling to grow a moustache. A country paper says that the other day an Irishman was called up in a case of assault and battery, and when asked by the magistrate what he said, remarked, " I said to him wid de toe of my boot, " Go home ! " In the lobby of an inn at the head of Loch Sunart, the following inscription is painted on the walls in conspicuous letters :— " No person will get credit for whiskey in this house but those that pay the money down !" ' I stood in the deserted halls of my father — I gazed round on the bare walls, and down on the hollow-sounding of the corridors— l cried aloud, " The friends of my early youth — where are they ? — where ?" and echo answered, " Really I don't know, sb." In a party of ladies, on its being reported that a Captain Silk had arrived in town, they exclaimed, with one exception, "What a name for a soldier !" " The fittest name in the world for a captain," rejoined the witty one, "for silk can never be worsted." Kind hostess : " What's wrong, Mr. Jcnes ? you look ill." Guest: "O, m'ln, the oysters have floored me." Hostess ; " Nonsense, Mr. Jones, they are Natives." Guest : '• Some of them may be ; but that last one was most assuredly a Settler." An eminent electrician was travelling lately in the train, when a man came up and asked him for his ticket. " Who are you ?" said . "I? my name is Wood ; lam a conductor." " Oh," said the professor, very quietly, " that can't be, for wood is a nonconductor." A.n eloquent reporter for a western paper describing the condition of a family, says that " theie is no apparent trail of a serpent, and the proverbial skeleton is too deep in the recess of the deepest closet to daze the eye with its glitter or gvate upon the ear its sepulchral rattle." A woman is naturally as different from a man as a flower from a tree ; she has more beauty and more fragrance, but less strength. She will be fitted for the rough and thorny walk of the masculine professions when Bhe has got a rough beard, a brazen front, and a hard skin, but not sooner. — Professor Blaekie. A supernumerary in a western theatre, having been inducted into the Ghost part of " Hamlet " " for this night only," performed the part so badly that he was hissed off. The manager came forward, bowed gracefully, put his hand on his heart, announced that " Smith had agreed to give up the ghost," bowed again, retired, and all was peace once more. A "lovely girl" in Wisconsin recently recovered 1400 dollars damages in a breach of promise suit against a perfidious lover. Her lawyer congratulated her on the amount, when she exclaimed, with a ferocious glance at the mulcted defendant, and nervously clenching her fingers :—": — " I'd give every penny of it just to have one good pull at his hair !" During the cross-examination of a false witness at the Tombs, the other day, the district attorney asked him where his father was, to which the witness, with a melancholy air, responded: — "Dead, sir, dropped off very suddenly, sir." " How came be to drop off suddenly?" was the next question. "Eoul play, sir ; the sheriff imposed on his unsuspicious nature, sir, and getting him to go up on a platform to take a look at a select audience, suddenly knocked a trap-door out from under himj sir." On Sunday last, in one of our churches, stood a couple apparently singing from the bottom of their souls out of the hymn book. Being religiously disposed, and not having a hymn booK, our reporter, who sat immediately behind them, attempted to read from the same book. In doing so, at the end of a verse he heard the gentleman whispering, "Oh, say yes." The next- verse began, and ' the twain sang away as devotionally as if they were thinking about nothing but the hymn. When the verse was ended, the fair one replied :—": — " Go ask 'pa ; all's right, so far as I'm concerned." — American Paper.