FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume II, Issue 98, 25 December 1869, Page 6

FACETIÆ.

"Whni *s must nnliue cock-a-doodle-doo? — Coc k-a-dooilli'-'loii't. Whii-li has most lej:". n hor«o or m horse ? j — -No bor.'O. biciusi* nq horse h*i? five. Wh.it" ■« llu» (Mflerrncc bet-vvvon Conn* nutl forcii 1 ' nic«? — You sit on one and shmtl on the olln-r. ] fa rr.nn bit off your nopo, what wmi]t\ tlu-magi--l im'.^ oblige liim to do?— Keep the pcaie V ( P n>c.) „ "Why i? Iho "Krppcror f>fEu?sia Ike a worl;- ■■■»' liou-o 'boy r — IU. iccls Hungary, and wants a ** 61kt of Tuiki-y. . -""W'liv w:is Plinroah'3 d.-mshfer like a bill J cliscmuitiT f— TScr.iusc she Rot a little prophet (;irofii) out of the rushec on the banks. *r\ A yonnff lady was si? en to go into a pawn-'r-rolcei'-. the oilier day to pledge her trot.i.— N.B. She nas ongageu to thu assistant. Coloni.il. -Why is a sleeping cbil'l lik° the melbod :nloplcd for niwuring labourers from the S.jndwkh Islands? — Because it ij ludnappinff. , , A Wot. Season.— Tlio lite Lord Airh'o rei^.innrKinfr to one of bis liMi.mts that it was a E~ very wet seaso>' v ."Indei-d, mv lord," replieil Ihc'nian, ! 'ltl.i:i- ilia spisjgoi's out a' tbc- „., ; > . When wore banking Jransacfiona flr. c t tnown ?—ln? — In ihc tiir.e of Khiji I'liaroali. •wlion tin' Eyyiitiiiu- rcc-cived a cheque (check) "* nt (bo ban!: of the im.ii >-i.i, and Mjsl^ cros-cil it. x v 'Polf Hvlp.— 4. miserly Rrotti^h lord ha' ru-Ked up n siiTiU'copiirr rom, and ua-nh-ciTvrd tn put it into Ins po'JM't by a lji^K a ',"- Mho exclaimed. " O. yi^'r to nip, my hn\\ ;' <o »li!fb the qi'iet jiiistit was, '' Na, na ; fin' a fardinforjc: .11, pir.r body." y.ishionablc r* Ar.-i\al. -Sirs. Malipvop. — hosS, last ]• ft<r riaifd (mm Frankfort on the Odour, ha* iviurned homo to Iho fami'y ma'isimi at Ball'-s l-'ontl. S!ie rather {■hoiked pome tcirpnaucc friends by lolling tlicni ihiit slio :-auie in a " sci-effoJ" steamer. —'•Plmil-li." Wh? "Lal'o — "Why nre yon so late this Trornii'ifT, 5011 varmint ?" we asked our boy Ho answeisdy '• 'p"s I held ibe candlo till mi<!jiigbt f"f mother, ulio sat up lncrding s'ou!.jngs. Pin* sajs s)ic simv a book in I lie sliop■nindcrs Ov;b 3ay-s, 'It's aercr too Lte to mend.' '' {-, V ' . An atWeio performing nt the Alhambra JTiisic-han, Nottingham, unrfprtonk tf> seize a rope with his teeth, and suspending himsilf Ibus, to l'-old poiiic half-dozon 561 b. weights. Wlsile he 1 v.ns lioldinjr on with Jiis foetli, an Dpsist.-int a<l.ed him if he wfl3 ivady. T)ii> pevformov. opening liis month to ivply, <■( course fell to the giound. lie was noL much , hurt. - '- A* Slight Piffcroncr— A pnor ]aid of Macivib was in the habit of riling a most wretched horse to I lie Musselbur»h races. ■where a yoima «i' as'»ed him, in n '•o'ltomptnous tone, '" Ts ilr.it tlie sumo liorso yon had - „ ingt'Trrap lanM?" i "Nn," said tli" laird' j^ASfranfiishing his -..^hip in \ho inteiropiti>r?, so emphatically as to* preclude fii'-ther " Na ; but it's the same whip." Undnnbted Smuggling.- -A Scotch nobleof «o bi igli t., 1 arts, w=iß a.-kccJ by tbtPB^)uches3 of Devonshire how it happened that <ihc Scots in general ( made a much betlt-r ■R ficrnre from home, than in ScotJaml. " Oli !" L* e-iid he, '•nothinar is so easily aocoimtcd for. ■ ■^^Fur the honour of the nation .persons aie at .every ,o«ro3s, to see that none Hp leave the' countiy but men of abilities.'' tm^ "Then." iMiswi'rod tlie Duchess, <; ssii3pee! your lordship was smuggled." , >• t J - The St otch f.>r a MaTUjjo'-. — There is somrL.^- thing di-tinciive in 'he following shower if iJ*/ Scotch voeabJe?. Wben an Aberdonian went I^T^utp visit his son, then the manager of the C^^T)pcJrtv-hou«e, bis answer oil bis return as t" l^f-' thc'.Jiaturo of his son's business was, this: 1 "He just ieep^- a <-urn of win'icowa and » anemic-, and gars them fiz/.le and loup, and niak iniiriicons to ll'e K'^'t toidk." ('( 'J li> U4II this miy not sustain the pr.tcn-ions of pern [jar bumonr. it will j;o far to sustain tho claire [oatlistincim i l.in2u:»jjc. .. . , , A New Y olk paper llrns tlepcribrs a yomv Ldvin tlvit city :: — ;* She went to, the theatre [yjilTwV^ ps r'ii'3 in one i- von ing, mrned o'brce flirt. itioiis at e.'ch im:J the nexr d.n reTased 'hrt-e oflois of n avri-ifio,a-cop'ed rw. raml b'ol'-e off three pievloas enfjago'iieni.•end four novels, wrote two leUeis. and o« "•indred notes of invitations, pr)t«tised Jie / ■•i»io loe c oii, ma.de herself a new arte-b'Valif.ist, lauch, and dir.n< r «»> o id; foi Ik "twlriilkmen, took a walk on Fifth-avenue, two pounds cf French cundy and ate to the CeiitralPaik with ,one of bor «nd walked Ijoine with t/ie other." v ' '' W /«■ -4 P'' 11 ? 'Thee TTaveMe'-Excused. — M. Oorot, 1^ iho eminent orjist., reeentjy. received the visit rflfc- o J.,one of tho, Emperor's, "chamberlains, vho jjT. susne to invite him to dinner at the Tuileries. yE^JijiCorot's is life antique in , its simplicity. Hb^/V. 1 tiniled. i" his arch , vfny , ftiul , a-keJ : Y olt id the Einppror siHow jno to 'smoke niy c r. fter rliim-r?" Beting ||orror depicted V»e (hunber 1 in* countenance, he «d led : Vi'oiild be s-hi'ckiiisr, woultl it. not ? Wo l v tbei 1 '' 1 is v\ thi^ world n.> belter dL>Bf,r| i--'- 0,311 my old pipe, vm will not ba.sur- *•* ' '•'' ? biM, $0 bo uxcusoJ " i j «